alex iamb

Plastic Sheets Wipe Clean

I can't stop chasing little old women
I'm after our neighbour at number eleven
She says she's too old for me, an octogenarian
But she doesn't look a day over sixty-seven

I don't want your mumsy milfery
I want grannies, godless and wrinkelly
they're much more grateful for a bit of fun
than your average, middle-aged single mum
and they give you a proper cr...

Without your sweet love
I could maybe float away

A nail through my foot...

I am Pavlov, she
is my dog, her phone a bell
she drools when I ring

Barbie Tampons - colloquial term for the filter tips used in roll-ups.
I swallowed a tampon
Not a bumper tampon you must understand
Not a jumbo lumbering gargantuan tampon
Not even a big tampon but a Barbie tampon
A nano-tampon, a marvel in liliputian absorbtion
A modicum of tampon a taster of tampon
To be frank it was a titch of a tampon
But this is now that was then
is it one inch or ten?
Will...

Four pubs a day across our nation face bolted doors and liquidation
Conversion to accomodation, demolition, delapidation
Now please, a brief reiteration to ensure full comprehension
1-2-3-4...
4 pubs a day are closing down
But no-one cares or casts a frown
We pop to tescos for newky brown
We drink at weatherspoons in town
2 -4-1 factories get us pissed for ten pounds
While a real pub shuts withou...

This one's all about speaking very quickly when the subject matter is painful. Not for reading.

This one does much better in the spoken word I think - listen to the audio

I do so love to watch my porn,
despite the warnings I’ve been warned
of impending blindness and limp right wrists
the end result negates these risks
Because I love the girls who squeak and moan
I love the girls who do it on their own
I love the ones on mobile phones
And I love the ones who are baking scones...
Bend...

I stand there by the paper stand
surveying broadsheets pale and wan
Their lifeless pages filled with text,
no tits in sight and no SMS
Responses to today's conundrum,
is it right for J-Lo to insure her bum-bum?
Now I know that I don't need to hear
how much this girl values her rear
Or what she paid or what she fears
could leave her arseless, in arrears
Tooshless, broke and destitute,
unable...

I'm addicted to cocaine and crossword puzzles
the rush is so intense
snorting a line as I finish The Times
is insane, it's something else
Now the coke's no problem, I can get it on tap
but the puzzles don't last, I was better off on the crack
I'm at the newsagents at quarter to four
knocking him up and banging his door
'Its me Mr Singh, I'm looking to score'
what dya mean you're not open? I'm clu...

There is a bloke in this old town,
you might know him - Tk - he gets around,
Now Tk’s lovely, a heart of gold,
wouldn’t hurt a fly be it young or old
But allow me, if I can be so bold,
to outline his downside if the truth be told
Behind his innocent young lips
there's a world of nouns and verbs unfit
for human consumption, well at least not kids
but its not just swearing, thats not it
His m...

This is obviously a very performancy one but I like it so I thought I'd stick it up here anyway.

alex iamb's Big I Thank you

6 months I've been doing this and I've had so much luck
6 months and kind people have helped me so much
6 months and I'm getting gigs without too much fuss
But the narcissist in me says its just not enough
I want money and groupies and dammit – other stuff
I wanna ke...