Between the Leaves
Between the Leaves
I sat amongst nature’s wooded shade
Giving shadow to all those who requested there use
The ground around, slowly being covered
A blanket of gold, russets, greens and yellows
Regressing to childlike ways I shuffle leaves
Sending flurries in the air, like flakes in snow-dome
Before once again reforming across the sea of green
The knotted, gnarled trunks pierce the autumnal sheet
As if grasping at the air, waiving in the last nutrient
The effort for all, will prove to much as each is burnt out
Leaf stem, grip is lost, it falls to the crisp forest floor
My eyes surveyed the autumnal scene drinking in the beauty
I caught sight of this vision, how she did draw my eyes to her form
A rose stem with layered petals, her waves of auburn flowing hair
Feeling bold, I dared gaze in her direction chancing a quick glance
My heart, it beats like a drum, as she appears between the leaves
A woman of curvaceous beauty so near I could hardly breathe
Her face turned towards mine, I froze, a deer caught in cars lights
Courage be with me, yes, I looked at her, her face radiant
Her smile drew me in, the world around seemed to fade to grey
As our faces came close, our lips touched, the gentlest meeting
Our hands fell together so naturally, they were as if gloves
We walk silently dreaming of a union our encounter may bring
We stopped by a shimmering lake, sitting upon a fallen tree
Close by two swans glided effortlessly, synchronised in movement
We returned to my car feeling drunk on this romantic encounter
An angles voice sounded, as I opened the door and we kissed a long kiss
“Stop it Mum and Dad I am going to be sick. What’s for tea, I’m starving”
©Phil Golding
24th October 2007
I sat amongst nature’s wooded shade
Giving shadow to all those who requested there use
The ground around, slowly being covered
A blanket of gold, russets, greens and yellows
Regressing to childlike ways I shuffle leaves
Sending flurries in the air, like flakes in snow-dome
Before once again reforming across the sea of green
The knotted, gnarled trunks pierce the autumnal sheet
As if grasping at the air, waiving in the last nutrient
The effort for all, will prove to much as each is burnt out
Leaf stem, grip is lost, it falls to the crisp forest floor
My eyes surveyed the autumnal scene drinking in the beauty
I caught sight of this vision, how she did draw my eyes to her form
A rose stem with layered petals, her waves of auburn flowing hair
Feeling bold, I dared gaze in her direction chancing a quick glance
My heart, it beats like a drum, as she appears between the leaves
A woman of curvaceous beauty so near I could hardly breathe
Her face turned towards mine, I froze, a deer caught in cars lights
Courage be with me, yes, I looked at her, her face radiant
Her smile drew me in, the world around seemed to fade to grey
As our faces came close, our lips touched, the gentlest meeting
Our hands fell together so naturally, they were as if gloves
We walk silently dreaming of a union our encounter may bring
We stopped by a shimmering lake, sitting upon a fallen tree
Close by two swans glided effortlessly, synchronised in movement
We returned to my car feeling drunk on this romantic encounter
An angles voice sounded, as I opened the door and we kissed a long kiss
“Stop it Mum and Dad I am going to be sick. What’s for tea, I’m starving”
©Phil Golding
24th October 2007
Wed, 24 Oct 2007 07:09 am
darren thomas
Hi Phil. I haven't reviewed any work for a while, not least because I've been up to my eyeballs in academic nonsense.
May I just say that this is a very descriptive piece that contains both a theme and a sense of irony with the inclusion of its final line.
"Stop it Mum and Dad I am going to be sick. What's for tea I'm starving."
You do paint a very vivid picture with your work and even though it appears that review 'comments' are scarce, I suspect people are still reading the submissions. I hope so?
However, as this is a review section I'll tell you what I enjoyed about 'Between the Leaves' and what 'bits' jarred with me a little.
You have no problem with imagery which is a poetic tool that you use to good effect - "like flakes in snowdome". In fact the description was so intense that when the final line arrived it actually felt anti-climatical. The two styles didn't appear to fit together like tonge and groove. Perhaps that was the idea? It just didn't feel like it really belonged. So, I asked myself why? Was it the punctuation? In the last line, which I highlighted above, you say, "Stop it Mum and Dad I am going to be sick. What's for tea. I'm starving" Maybe the fact that you employed two contractions after you had used 'I am' ?? Perhaps write the line without contractions or, realistically, write it with all the contractions that appear in general speech? Or omit the line entirely/replace ??
Line 1 - "I sat amongst..." past participle of 'sit' is 'sat' how can you be giving shade if you are no longer there. I think 'SITTING amongst nature's wooded shade' would be more correct. If this sound pedantic then I apologise, but the concept and ideas are good and if you can make something that's good - why not try and make it better?
There are other little things but I don't want to alienate myself too much with what I'm saying. It's only grammar and talking about grammatical issues in poetry is another debate in itself!
Overall, it's a vivid piece of work. Nice one.
As an exercise, how about writing the same poem without 'telling' but 'showing' and see what you come up with?? I'l get mi coat...
May I just say that this is a very descriptive piece that contains both a theme and a sense of irony with the inclusion of its final line.
"Stop it Mum and Dad I am going to be sick. What's for tea I'm starving."
You do paint a very vivid picture with your work and even though it appears that review 'comments' are scarce, I suspect people are still reading the submissions. I hope so?
However, as this is a review section I'll tell you what I enjoyed about 'Between the Leaves' and what 'bits' jarred with me a little.
You have no problem with imagery which is a poetic tool that you use to good effect - "like flakes in snowdome". In fact the description was so intense that when the final line arrived it actually felt anti-climatical. The two styles didn't appear to fit together like tonge and groove. Perhaps that was the idea? It just didn't feel like it really belonged. So, I asked myself why? Was it the punctuation? In the last line, which I highlighted above, you say, "Stop it Mum and Dad I am going to be sick. What's for tea. I'm starving" Maybe the fact that you employed two contractions after you had used 'I am' ?? Perhaps write the line without contractions or, realistically, write it with all the contractions that appear in general speech? Or omit the line entirely/replace ??
Line 1 - "I sat amongst..." past participle of 'sit' is 'sat' how can you be giving shade if you are no longer there. I think 'SITTING amongst nature's wooded shade' would be more correct. If this sound pedantic then I apologise, but the concept and ideas are good and if you can make something that's good - why not try and make it better?
There are other little things but I don't want to alienate myself too much with what I'm saying. It's only grammar and talking about grammatical issues in poetry is another debate in itself!
Overall, it's a vivid piece of work. Nice one.
As an exercise, how about writing the same poem without 'telling' but 'showing' and see what you come up with?? I'l get mi coat...
Wed, 24 Oct 2007 10:05 am
Hi Darren
The theme for the poem was a dream of the ideal romantic meeting of husband and wife. The truth is sometimes far from the ideal. When kids ............ The last bit you can work out for youself.
I wanted to paint the romantic picture of Autumnal Woods, so perfect only to br shattered by the piercing voice of our children, thus an anti - climax for the parents.
I agree that the structure of the last sentence is not gramatically correct. I thought it added a tigh of reality.it t
erms of how a child would speak.
I do agree that the readers path could be cleared to give my poems that 'icing on thr cake'.aa extra something. Yes.this is an area that I need to work on for future 'Bard' productions to give the x factor..
Thanx for takng the time to give the constructive feed back. I gives me an 'end product' knowing my work is read.and appreciated.
Cheers
Phil
The theme for the poem was a dream of the ideal romantic meeting of husband and wife. The truth is sometimes far from the ideal. When kids ............ The last bit you can work out for youself.
I wanted to paint the romantic picture of Autumnal Woods, so perfect only to br shattered by the piercing voice of our children, thus an anti - climax for the parents.
I agree that the structure of the last sentence is not gramatically correct. I thought it added a tigh of reality.it t
erms of how a child would speak.
I do agree that the readers path could be cleared to give my poems that 'icing on thr cake'.aa extra something. Yes.this is an area that I need to work on for future 'Bard' productions to give the x factor..
Thanx for takng the time to give the constructive feed back. I gives me an 'end product' knowing my work is read.and appreciated.
Cheers
Phil
Fri, 26 Oct 2007 01:32 am