Canal, the end?
Canal, the end?
Like a wizened old man's finger my water does bend
I feel hidden; surrounded but buildings and trees
I may be murky; a vision of muddied water
But I was once business life’s blood, an aorta
Sometimes I feel ignored by you in a changing world
My skin, occasionally massaged by gentle breeze
Then outrageous joy as a canal boat ploughs up my spine
I may be old and dreamy; in my forgotten state
But I still dream of developers before it'd too late
© Philip Golding 0607
Like a wizened old man's finger my water does bend
I feel hidden; surrounded but buildings and trees
I may be murky; a vision of muddied water
But I was once business life’s blood, an aorta
Sometimes I feel ignored by you in a changing world
My skin, occasionally massaged by gentle breeze
Then outrageous joy as a canal boat ploughs up my spine
I may be old and dreamy; in my forgotten state
But I still dream of developers before it'd too late
© Philip Golding 0607
Tue, 6 Nov 2007 03:03 am
Phil.
I like this. I would like to hear this read out.
I love the analogy of the canal being like an old man. The use of the word aorta worked well for me.
The use of the word outrageous to decsribe joy is an indictment of our ageist society and makes a comment that I don't know if you intended. The fact that an old man can derive pleasure from having his spine tickled is made to seem seedy (by the use of the word outrageous) and it works really well. Puts an image in the mind. The previous link with massage fits in well with this too.
The use of the word dreamy detracts, I think from the description and feeling I get from this old man. It may be worth putting in another negative description in there (in place of dreamy) .... weary, perhaps (or similar).
This poem fits in very well with modern developments around the green theme too as some TESCO stores are now having goods delivered by canal barge to cut down on waggons on the road. Will it work? I can't see it, but who knows?
In all, a nice piece, which I liked.
I like this. I would like to hear this read out.
I love the analogy of the canal being like an old man. The use of the word aorta worked well for me.
The use of the word outrageous to decsribe joy is an indictment of our ageist society and makes a comment that I don't know if you intended. The fact that an old man can derive pleasure from having his spine tickled is made to seem seedy (by the use of the word outrageous) and it works really well. Puts an image in the mind. The previous link with massage fits in well with this too.
The use of the word dreamy detracts, I think from the description and feeling I get from this old man. It may be worth putting in another negative description in there (in place of dreamy) .... weary, perhaps (or similar).
This poem fits in very well with modern developments around the green theme too as some TESCO stores are now having goods delivered by canal barge to cut down on waggons on the road. Will it work? I can't see it, but who knows?
In all, a nice piece, which I liked.
Tue, 6 Nov 2007 12:48 pm
