Cold Night Air
She hides and holds her son behind the chair.
“Be still, be calm, stay quiet, my little sweet”
She daren’t go out and face the cold night air.
The shadowed figure knows that she is there.
He doesn’t like the lies nor the deceit.
She hides and holds her son behind the chair.
He knows their fear, but simply doesn’t care.
He raps the door and will not face defeat.
She daren’t go out and face the cold night air.
The carcasses of mail are her despair.
She couldn’t pay the bills, but had to eat.
She hides and holds her son behind the chair.
With streaky eyes, she holds her matted hair.
Reminders red will see her on the street.
She daren’t go out and face the cold night air.
Through splintered door he comes to find a pair
Chilled bodies, pale and dead in their retreat.
She hides and holds her son behind the chair.
She daren’t go out and face the cold night air.
“Be still, be calm, stay quiet, my little sweet”
She daren’t go out and face the cold night air.
The shadowed figure knows that she is there.
He doesn’t like the lies nor the deceit.
She hides and holds her son behind the chair.
He knows their fear, but simply doesn’t care.
He raps the door and will not face defeat.
She daren’t go out and face the cold night air.
The carcasses of mail are her despair.
She couldn’t pay the bills, but had to eat.
She hides and holds her son behind the chair.
With streaky eyes, she holds her matted hair.
Reminders red will see her on the street.
She daren’t go out and face the cold night air.
Through splintered door he comes to find a pair
Chilled bodies, pale and dead in their retreat.
She hides and holds her son behind the chair.
She daren’t go out and face the cold night air.
Fri, 21 Sep 2007 04:21 pm
Quite good use of the villanelle form to tell a tragic tale. It only breaks down with the phrase "my little sweet", which veers off into soft-focused Victorian sentimentality and detracts from the realism.
Also, I suspect that the rthymn is slightly too rigidly iambic. You are allowed a little more variation in metrical verses than you seem to allow yourself here.
Otherwise a good effort at a difficult form.
Also, I suspect that the rthymn is slightly too rigidly iambic. You are allowed a little more variation in metrical verses than you seem to allow yourself here.
Otherwise a good effort at a difficult form.
Sat, 22 Sep 2007 11:04 am
I find the use of the phrase "little sweet" quite menacing, rather like Gollum's "preciouses", contrasting the starkness. It purports to be benign but its effect is threatening.
And I love the use of "reminders red will see her on the street". Both her “streaky eyes” and the bills are “reminders red”, also “reminders read”. Clever, tricksy.
Julian
And I love the use of "reminders red will see her on the street". Both her “streaky eyes” and the bills are “reminders red”, also “reminders read”. Clever, tricksy.
Julian
Sun, 23 Sep 2007 03:30 pm