I swallowed my false tooth last night
whilst working at my desk
The bloody thing just disappeared
and caused me great distress.
I panicked, choked, coughed and gagged
And waved my arms like mad
It lingered like a unflushed turd
My life was almost tagged.

I'm not sure what was hurting most
The cost of replacement or threat of death
but every gasp that left my chest
felt like it could be my dying breath
Its hard to convince the young guy from IT
that things are potentially that bad
and get him to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre
on someone who looks like his dad

I'm loathe to use that Fixodent but not coz I am vain
it looks like plumbers putty they use to fix your drain
"One option" said the dentist " A permanent solution"
" Would be to have an implant, an oral revolution!"
Now careful, tight & Thrifty could be my middle name
But can I have one second-hand they look the bleedin same?
I left with teeth like Rantzen wearing a St Porter Smile
and bought a tube of Grip-fill to finish them in style.