Free
Free
To catch a breeze
On feathered wing
To swerve
To dip
To sing.
To feel the sun
On fledged back
To move
To leave
No track.
To swim on air
To dance with rain
To soar
My own
Air lane.
To listen to
My echoed song
To see
The sea
Belong.
The sting of salt
On summer wind
To blink
To cry
Rescind.
To taste the sting
Of bitter swell
To dip
My beak
Death knell.
To sail away
In Summer sky
I leave
Your wandering
Eye.
To rest on crest
Of saline wave
Float raft
Like Ocean
Slave.
Yet free to catch
The breeze on wing
Free to swerve
To dip
To sing.
To catch a breeze
On feathered wing
To swerve
To dip
To sing.
To feel the sun
On fledged back
To move
To leave
No track.
To swim on air
To dance with rain
To soar
My own
Air lane.
To listen to
My echoed song
To see
The sea
Belong.
The sting of salt
On summer wind
To blink
To cry
Rescind.
To taste the sting
Of bitter swell
To dip
My beak
Death knell.
To sail away
In Summer sky
I leave
Your wandering
Eye.
To rest on crest
Of saline wave
Float raft
Like Ocean
Slave.
Yet free to catch
The breeze on wing
Free to swerve
To dip
To sing.
Sat, 21 Jun 2008 06:02 pm
<Deleted User> (4744)
Hi.
I stumbled badly at "Death knell" The rhythm fell apart for me. There are a couple of other places it was strained as well, but not as badly.
It could be an accent thing though.
Lovely swooping words to describe being free, lacks a bit of punch at the end though. It sort of floats away.
Hope some of that helps... ignore with extreme prejudice if it doesn't.
Daniel.
I stumbled badly at "Death knell" The rhythm fell apart for me. There are a couple of other places it was strained as well, but not as badly.
It could be an accent thing though.
Lovely swooping words to describe being free, lacks a bit of punch at the end though. It sort of floats away.
Hope some of that helps... ignore with extreme prejudice if it doesn't.
Daniel.
Mon, 23 Jun 2008 11:18 am
I think this one may be better (I hope).
Thanks, daniel, for your honest feedback.
Free
To catch a breeze
On feathered wing
To swerve
To dip
To sing.
To feel the sun
On fledged back
To move
To leave
No track.
To swim on air
To dance with rain
To soar
My own
Air lane.
To listen to
My echoed song
To see
The sea
Belong.
The sting of salt
On summer wind
To blink
To cry
Rescind.
To taste the sting
Of bitter swell
To bid
The wave
Farewell.
To sail away
In Summer sky
To feel
The coastal
Sigh.
To rest on crest
Of saline wave
Float raft
Like Ocean
Slave.
Yet free to catch
The breeze on wing
Free to swerve
To dip
To sing.
Thanks, daniel, for your honest feedback.
Free
To catch a breeze
On feathered wing
To swerve
To dip
To sing.
To feel the sun
On fledged back
To move
To leave
No track.
To swim on air
To dance with rain
To soar
My own
Air lane.
To listen to
My echoed song
To see
The sea
Belong.
The sting of salt
On summer wind
To blink
To cry
Rescind.
To taste the sting
Of bitter swell
To bid
The wave
Farewell.
To sail away
In Summer sky
To feel
The coastal
Sigh.
To rest on crest
Of saline wave
Float raft
Like Ocean
Slave.
Yet free to catch
The breeze on wing
Free to swerve
To dip
To sing.
Mon, 30 Jun 2008 01:54 am
<Deleted User> (5190)
The Sunlight Of Spring...
The sunlight of spring
Has met
Its unknown friends,
A smile that lights your face
Like limestone
In a quarry,
Feasting on a glow
That no one sees,
Accept the mice
That hunt for breadcrumbs
Near a house
That’s filled with cheese.
I have everything
They’ll ever need,
I have answers
Left by blind men
And the sights
They’ll never see,
I have talk that climbs
The tallest trees
And ideas
They wont believe.
I am wood rot in the winter,
Wild grass in the sun,
A stranger that you’ve nearly met,
A lace that’s come undone.
The sunlight of spring
Has met
Its unknown friends,
A smile that lights your face
Like limestone
In a quarry,
Feasting on a glow
That no one sees,
Accept the mice
That hunt for breadcrumbs
Near a house
That’s filled with cheese.
I have everything
They’ll ever need,
I have answers
Left by blind men
And the sights
They’ll never see,
I have talk that climbs
The tallest trees
And ideas
They wont believe.
I am wood rot in the winter,
Wild grass in the sun,
A stranger that you’ve nearly met,
A lace that’s come undone.
Tue, 8 Jul 2008 12:01 am