You're too late. They've all gone.Get your ambient nappies -- doesn't matter where the baby is in the room as long as an ambient nappy is also in the vicinity (ie within a 5 metre radius) there will be no mishaps. Get your ergonmically designed integrity peeler here.

Moxy, I was hoping there'd be some in the sales, I've had one or two nasty out of trouser experiences lately. In fact British Rail should issue every passenger with an ambient nappy to compensate for the fact that their toilets are never open, don't work, and in the case of Salford Crescent, don't even exist! Is this legal? I was denied the use of a toilet by a BR employee in Bolton last week because it was after eight pm, I don't know if he thought I could wait until they re-opened the next day. As a man with a certified medical condition I should be writing this to BR not to you but thanks for giving me the opportunity to rant!

Happy New Year

Dave

Dear Mr Morgan, Herewith I enclose a bumper 5 kilo sachet of silica dehydration crystals and a lint-backed belt with discreet flat-buckle fastener and clip that will allow you to position said sachet over your bladder (externally, of course). The drawing power of this material is sufficient to attract up to 7 litres of urine through the skin. The crystals will hold the liquid without seepage. Trials of silica crystals show that one lorry load will turn an area of rain forest into a cactus chapparal within 24 hours. Please note that the lavatories at Bolton Station are feral and nocturnal so go foraging at night, returning to Bolton Station to sleep during the hours of daylight. We, at Rail Rail Against The Dying Of The Light And All Other Attempts To Dye Natural Phenomena wish you and your entourage a very merry one. Yours, Von Triptrap

Dear Trip Trap, thank you for your kind offer, however I have no trousers large enough to conceal said five kilos, without drawing undue attention to myself, what about a portable urinal on wheels? I realise that this somewhat gender specific, although I have seen photographic evidence to the contrary. It could be designed to look like one of those dinky red plastic suitcases that air hostesses have (sorry flight attendants). Must put in a call to the patents office immediately. Hope BR will sponsor me.

Yours

Morgan of the Yard

Dear Morgan of The Yard, You have what we at Rail Rail call a 'tough guy posture' over the urinals question. We can offer you exclusive, sole use of our unique voodoo pissoire when the spirit of Nature ( or Wetwet as he is called) takes possession of you and has you in thrall like la belle dame sans facilities and you are pale and loitering on, or close to, one of our premises. It is a shellac and gossamer construct which will be mistaken for low slung bunting and it will sound, when in use, like rodents rummaging on bubblewrap or an antique glass panel over a relic (eg a crystal phial of dried blood that has the miracle of liquifaction worked upon it every year on the particular dead-and-bled saint's day when a gloved papal emissary takes it in his hand and tilts it) being rapped by apprehensive knuckles such as those of an aunt whose yapping yorkie has just bitten a young niece. After you have used the voodoo pissoire simply kick the base with your right foot and say 'bladder managed.' The unit will then vanish. Hoping this meets with your approval,
Trip Trap and Shunter