God’s put me in a forest surrounded by a range of broad leaf trees
I am sitting there on rocky outcrop wafted by a stiffening breeze
The trees root my thoughts on where my condition will go from here
Will my mind be freed by both treatment, support and be able to steer

God’s put me in a yacht I’m isolated amidst an ocean with nil to see
Without any wind it’s difficult to head to port and set myself free
How to communicate with the rest of my body with no clear channel
Will my mind be freed by treatment, like a freshly navigable canal?

God’s put me a hydrogen balloon on a round the world solo flight
The horizon stretches out all around blues and greens fill my sight
The balloon has sprung a leak so the basket starts shakily descend
Will my mind be freed by treatment, thus enabling my life to extend

God’s put me in the space shuttle gazing down my earth unfurled
The vast openness of space adds perspective my ever-changing world
My Parkinson’s though important is small compared to fellow man
My mind will be free and alter things from losing to a winning plan




© By Philip Golding
14.12.2006

Hi Philip, I should know by now never to get into a discussion when I've had a drink, but I have to say your imagery is great but your rhymes seem very forced. Chuck them overboard and free yourself of the burden. You have lots to say of importance, don't subborn (?) it to enforced rhyme, just say it as it is in a conversational way, people are listening. You are definitely a writer, don't feel you have to be a rhymer all the time to validate it. But don't stop writing.

Dave

Hi David,

Your constructive observation has been well made before. I went on a writers weeked back in June of this year and a simular view was expressed. I must admit I had not reviewed this earlier work until before just now and it could use a tweak.

Alot of the ideas that come to me in rhyme form and I do enjoy.the challenge. The bulk of my writing was in rhyme and
it is a hard habit to break. When a rhyme works well it shows and can be the iciing on the cake. In some other cases I have over cooked things, as in this peom.

Two of my writing skills that are evolving are softer rhymes and narrative approach. You could say 'under construction'. Rhymes will always be there in some form, but on a more selective basis.

Thanks. for the feed back and watch this space.

Cheers

Phil

Hello, Phil, I agree with Dave about the rhymes -- your imagery is wonderful but seems to be thwacked into a measely second place by rhymes. It's almost as if the rhymes are maintaining a false tempo for your ideas to dance to -- like finding yourself unable to turn off the percussion on an electronic keyboard. Write on, Mr Golding!

i agree with you both alot of my writing has, for to long, remained stuck in the world of rhyme. Although I will not abandon that format totally, I do need to free my creative juices.

I have begun that process and have gone for that in 'Richer Tomorrow'. I must admit that when I finished the poem I just felt it hit the button. You have a point.

Thank you both again

Cheers

Phil

David and Moxy

Thank you for your collective advice.

Creatively for my last two poems I have felt a greater freedom. The suggestions given could quite well be the best advice given.

cheers

Phil

Phil

as David and Mox point out
you have fantastic original ideas

don't spoil them with forced rhyme as it CAN detract from the work.

the main thing is you have the ideas flowing, forget about rhyme for a while

let that find you

good work Phil