Here is another song that I have written .... Although I feel like a fake only doing the lyrics but I have no musical knowledge or skill. I'm afraid. I guess lyrics have to start somewhere so here are some of mine.

Please let me have your honest feedback and views and if anyone can put music to them I would be thrilled. I make no apologies that it is a love song.

Here is it ..... It is called "Behind Blue Eyes":

Behind Blue Eyes

Behind blue eyes I disappear.
Within blue eyes I hide.
Lucid eyes, hypnotic eyes,
Oh, what goes on inside?

Eyes that search my every move,
My breath, my sighs. Oh, eyes that prove
Oh eyes that prove a love not blue,
Blue eyes belong to you.

Exposing eyes,
Voyeuristic eyes,
Exploring eyes, so true.
Eyes that smile,
Oh, versatile
Chromatic eyes of blue.

Eyes of hunger,
Eyes of calm,
Eyes of summer skies.
Eyes fulfilled
Emotive, oh
Eyes that mesmerise.

Behind blue eyes I disappear.
Within blue eyes I hide.
Lucid eyes, hypnotic eyes,
Oh, what goes on inside?

Eyes that search my every move,
My breath, my sighs. Oh, eyes that prove
Oh eyes that prove a love not blue,
Blue eyes belong to you.

Surprising eyes,
Astounded eyes,
Starving eyes, so blue.
Eyes that flaunt,
And eyes that haunt
Teasing eyes anew.

Eyes of romance,
Eyes of love,
Eyes of lost goodbyes.
Eyes aspiring
Wishful, oh
Eyes that won’t disguise.

A window to your soul,
Your soul so faithful, true and kind.
Kind of soon, yet kind of right
Your blue eyes have me blind.
Blinded by your window,
Window shopping you found me.
Meeting eyes, I see you,
You hold so thankfully.

Thankfully I hold you.
And thankfully I hold
My gaze into your window,
To see into your soul.

Behind blue eyes I disappear.
Within blue eyes I hide.
Lucid eyes, hypnotic eyes,
Oh, what goes on inside?

Eyes that search my every move,
My breath, my sighs. Oh, eyes that prove
Oh eyes that prove a love not blue,
Blue eyes belong to you.

Blue eyes belong to you.

Blue eyes belong to you.

No need to apologise.

Honest opinion is what it's all about. Wouldn't do for us all to be soppy. It certainly wouldn't do for us all to be dishonest.

I just figured that I'd written about the war, child murder, an animal savaging someone, a mother's suicide and all sorts of depressing stuff, I thought I'd show my more sensitive side.

I do have one .... so I'm told.

Thinking about it Sophie ...... Although I do appreciate your honesty, I don't actually appreciate your public bluntness, which actually comes across as "excusable rudeness". Rudeness isn't actually excusable. The use of the word "shite" is one such example.

I do appreciate that the schmaltzy poem/song (call it what you will) is somewhat soppy and not to everyone's taste. The tone of your feedback, however, is very much of the ilk:

"I say what I think and if people don't like it .....".

In fact, the more I think about it, the more annoyed I am at how you said what you felt the need to say. Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with your viewpoint .... I do have an issue, however, with the way in which you expressed it.

Feedback is one thing. Rudeness is another.

I maintain, however, that no apology is needed for your point of view and I do actually appreciate the feedback.

Thanks for taking the time for reading (at least part of it) and for taking the time to give me your thoughts. I make no thanks, however, for the blunt way in which you chose to do it.

Hi Darren.

From a constructive point of view? Too many 'eyes'. I felt that I (no pun intended) was looking at a proud peahen by the end. Yes, I did get to the end. Ooh, and by the way. It's best if you don't put your interpretation of what you THINK somebody is saying into direct speech marks. Making words up for other people? That does take me back!!

The Poet Factor with Simon Vowel aka Sophie Mckeand

Hi Darren and Darren

I agree there are too many 'eyes'

If it was about Love it fails to draw me in and resonate, however with the music it may have a different feel, though this would be masking poor lyrics really. I think that you can easily write some engaging lyrics Darren and I think to help with this lyric here, you could perhaps try and focus on a core emotion and build around it and make it more of a narrative. With songs often the lyrics have strong narratives (unfortunately I cant read the lyric whilst typing this) but i think you easily have the potential from the times I have seen you read, keep it as simple as possible and close your eyes and concentrate on the one core emotion and see what words naturally enter your mind, then jot them down then find bridges between them .

I am no expert and certainly not a preacher or a teacher of poems, I am confident you will see my criticism as a positive thing, it is fantastic that you took the time to post this and to ask of an opinion, its brave and , I guess, well brave for people to say they don't like it.

If any comments upset you in the poetry life the best thing is to record your response and use that emotion to construct new poems and see the poorer poems as simple stepping stones to your next classic.


Peter

Thanks guys for your feedback.

This is constructive and I do most certainly appreciate it.

Back to the drawing board with this, methinks ..... via the waste bin probably, but like you say, Pete .... It is all a stepping stone to bigger and better things.

Thanks again.

Darren

I am going to fly in the face of the general feedback here.

I would describe this work as a song in progress. Quite clearly you are trying to develop your work into different areas and that is to be applauded.

The idea of eyes as a wind to your soul as a romantic song/poem, as shown here works. Yes there are areas here that do and do not work, but there is plenty there that is worth nurturing into a song/poem..

The eye theme could for example be developed as a social commentary. e.g. what do people see in others. Beauty is in the eye of the be holder is another example.


I have tried lyrics myself, usually with a tune in my heard, which has helped with my choice of word, structure of each line. I for one Darren would, if you chose to, like to see you go back to this piece and develop it. .


Regards

Thanks, Phil.
I appreciate your support in this. I was beginning to feel that it had been a wasted effort (apart from the learning coming from it).
I might not just bin it after all, but rework it based on some of the suggestions here.
Thanks again.
Darren.

Darren I don't recommend throwing it away, that is not a solution, you need to keep the feeling you had as Phil said.

its a stepping stone to feelings
i have a poem about stepping stones, ill go dig it out, its one that comes to mind when you re work a poem

i have wrote a few lyrics, most total rubbish, I scrap them but hold the feeling then start again.

i will find the rubbish and post it on a rubbish thread :-)

Darren

Email me your lyrics and i will enter them in the Overdrive lyrics competition.

Fear not about comments on your lyrics - many lyrics (not yours here) can sound like a Hallmark card without the melody.

Best

Darren

Chuffed you are keeping your lyric. If there is one maxim i go by its ' I am better than nobody anf nobody is better than me'.

Enter it into competitions as suggested below. Never dismiss ventures new.

Put it this way 12 month ago to the day I started writing poetry. Some are good some are works in progress but i always keep and continuously return to them .

The latter I sometimes go back to and words just come.

There a short poem which I wrote called ' How can I put it?' and there is a line which highlights the fact that you should write lyrics

How do you know?
Where the last domino will fall
Once the first is toppled

ans

If you do not know what is around the corner why not take that chance?

go for it


cheers

Phil

Let's hear it for fat bald men!

...and fit bold men. Don't forget them. They're a dying breed.
By the way Sophie, as poetry is subjective I didn't think that your poem used to reinforce your last point was actually that bad!
Most, if not all poets', are over sensitive to the extent that we inherently suffer from some form of mental complexity issues. Darren W's ultimate reaction is not unique among poets who transcribe their souls onto paper and ask for comments about something so personal.
Reaction is something that most contributors consider before posting any pieces of work. I have never met anybody who can please all of the people all of the time. If anybody thinks that they can do this then they are doomed/deluded or both.
Yes, it's enjoyable to heap praise and receive praise from our peers about our work. But for every one person who writes that it's 'good-excellent-shite' there are others who feel the opposite.
Anyway, 'Good-Excellent-Shite' is well above average as a mark. Not sure if Ofstead would consider those ratings though!

Everyone keep on writing. When you please somebody they'll let you know. When you haven't, they'll still let you know. It's a good starting point for when you actually meet them in the bowels of Hell...or The Tudor/ Howcroft or wherever your paths cross.

Sophie your honesty redeems any terrible poem

but I reckon despise - eyes is to obvious a couplet but then i better go and dig out all my obvious couplets.

im guilty of the dreaded bed-head

and the ultimate poetry sin the shun rhyme yes! the shun rhyme

station, nation, creation.

easy trap to fall into.

this rhyme thing really bugs us all dont it?

I think i need to write a new poem without any rhyme.

Darren, your lyrics cant be as bad as mine, oh my god im gonna have to post them now.

Sophie, I dont htink that is your best poem, I have ones that make me cringe that I wrote, but bizarre when you read them out they sound OK¬¬!!!! ???? c r a z y or what! uhhhhhhh what happening here then? Dave Morgan (hello there btw) what say you, in fact anyone, im sure you are all out there reading this, I can feel it...................


what is goin on

so Darren, the lyrics as james said, could sound alright with the music, though I do think you can improve, but that is my opinion, take the feeling and re work it.

Sophie, the traffic poem, good subject, hot topic what can we do to get your feelings on this into a poem you will want to perform, maybe we should all join some poetry workshops, dont you think it would be fun.

we should start by trying to write utter rubbish to de tox ourselves.