Just read it several times. With every read it 'comes into focus' that little bit more. Well worth keeping. The subject material is one always worth exploring from any angle. If there was one thing that seemed awkward it was the series of 'AND...AND...AND' perhaps this was intentional? It just seemed to trip me up when I read through it.
But your poetry is so intense and multilayered that I know I can go back to it and read it from another angle. Even upside down!

Well your insomnia was worthwhile.

The inclusion of the words 'And' are spread thinner and this appears to dilute what seemed like a list in your first piece. Because they now appear in a longer constituent, i personally believe that it makes the words now glide through the mind and there are no spiky bits, that can, occasionally, be difficult to swallow
Wonderful poem Sophie. This is of course, just my opinion.

Political poems are never easy anyway Sophie!
the second version is smoother as Darren says

Do you think you would perform this?

I notice lots of poems work better on page and vice versa.
maybe if you performed it you would have the anger.

I saw your performance at the library gig and It was excellent!