The Wonderful Mr Frost





The wonderful Mr Frost

He crept up our path
Cunning Mr frost
Crossed crazy pave chasms
And froze the door mat solid
He reached impossible places,
Roof tiles and church spires,
Tower blocks and bar fires,
It must be magical
To touch things glancing.
To brush them
to paint them white, on toe tip prancing
To glance and glide silently
Enchanting our village
In the middle of the night.
Glazing our pond
He the creator of wonderland genius
with nipping, the air bites
milky skin once cold ignites,
With a curious, invisible heat.
Somehow we survive
And only the running defeat him
Mr frost, made us motionless.
Unaware as we sleep, as new day rises,
feet exposed, from duvet awaking leapt
excited eyes wide at your canvas, stretch
you covered every object in crystal!
rushing goose-pimples rise on an intake of breath
a vapour trail on blue fulfilled yet bereft
of words
a window creaks open on wonderland
winter is here, thanks Mr frost!
now go run and tell everybody

Look all you busy commuters!
He’s been! He’s here!
The wonderful Mr frost, everywhere


29-10-2007 (c)

I really like the imagery and clever use of descriptives here, Pete, without being too descriptive.

There are only a few negatives for me.

I'll put my thoughts down about everything below:


Crossed crazy pave chasms - This line gripped my imagination. Made me feel tiny compared to the crazy paving. It focussed almost immediately my mind onto the massive task that "Mr Frost" faces.

And froze the door mat solid - This line somehow seems too simple and didn't work for me. It has a different feel to it. The wording doesn't feel as magical somehow. I think this could be worded more magically (maybe looking at it from the perspective of the door mat as a victim .... or having Mr. Frost cast some sort of spell to hold the door mat still ..... Just running away with myself now).


It must be magical
To touch things glancing.
To brush them
to paint them white, on toe tip prancing

This bit really works for me (but then again - you all know of my sickly love for rhyme). The rhythm works and these 4 lines have a rhythm that does actually dance. I can picture Mr. Frost as you describe him here, just by the rhythm alone. The line "It must be magical" gives a sense of awe and schoolboy envy.

These four lines:

Enchanting our village
In the middle of the night.
Glazing our pond
He the creator of wonderland genius

This adds some more mystery to it. It also adds a sinister element. The fact that Mr. Frost is out in the middle of the night, like a burglar .... or (linked in with the previous dancing part) graceful like a cat out all night. Or maybe even like Father Christmas.

He the creator of wonderland genius - I really like this. Looking at it from a child's point of view again. Envious, in awe. It takes me back to those childhood feelings and gave me a sense of youthful excitement. (And it's been a while since anyone has done that!!!!)


with nipping, the air bites
milky skin once cold ignites

"Nipping" and "bites" seem obvious somehow but inevitable to be fair. The imagery of cold skin igniting is just brilliant and something we have all experienced. I could actually feel it.


With a curious, invisible heat - This line takes me back to the old Ready Brek adverts (which must be due to start up again now that winter is here) - The imaginary glow - But again from a child's persective. Something we have all experienced again and this draws on that memory and feeling wonderfully. It gives a bit of comfort to this cold scene.


And only the running defeat him - Very clever and very true and it gave Mr. Frost a weakness. Again the childhood myth that every superhero has a weakness is drawn upon here. Casting Mr. Frost as some sort of superhero or anti-hero (however you judge him) but giving him that famous vulnerability that all heros have. (Am I just waffling now?). Very clever.

This next bit:
winter is here, thanks Mr frost!
now go run and tell everybody

Look all you busy commuters!
He’s been! He’s here!
The wonderful Mr frost, everywhere

These lines really do not work for me and they detract from an otherwise exciting piece (in my humble opinion, of course).

Winter is here - Is really not needed. We have figured that one out and it seems like a real let down to tell us that at this stage. It is REALLY not needed.

thanks Mr frost!
now go run and tell everybody

Look all you busy commuters!
He’s been! He’s here!
The wonderful Mr frost, everywhere

These lines although I don't like them, do feed on the childhood memory of Father Christmas. "He's been! He's here!" The language is very child like and excitable. But the whole 5 lines somehow don't sit right and I feel that the piece of work would be better ending just before them without these altogether.

Overall, I really enjoyed my read. Thanks for sharing.

Hey Darren thanks for that, I agree with your criticism on those lines.
its good to read a poem back after a few hours writing it, and I think the same as you, the frozen mat, and defiantly the last lines want cutting. A good example of how we can shape our poems.

Lets see how it looks with the modifications Darren.:


The wonderful Mr Frost

He crept up our path
Cunning Mr frost
Crossed crazy pave chasms
as solid became door mat bristle
and garden blades of grass.
He reached impossible places,
Roof tiles and church spires,
Tower blocks and bar fires,
It must be magical
To touch things glancing.
To brush them
to paint them white, on toe tip prancing
To glance and glide silently
Enchanting our village
In the middle of the night.
Glazing our pond
He the creator of wonderland genius
with nipping, the air bites
milky skin once cold ignites,
With a curious, invisible heat.
Somehow we survive
And only the running defeat him
Mr frost, made us motionless.
Unaware as we sleep, as new day rises,
feet exposed, from duvet awaking leapt
excited eyes wide at your canvas, stretch
you covered every object in crystal!
rushing goose-pimples rise on an intake of breath
a vapour trail on blue, fulfilled yet bereft
of words
a window creaks open on wonderland
and with reddened rubbing
huff cupping of hands

his melting world awaits.

Darren / Sophie

thank you very much for your honesty and constructive words.
I am very pleased with the end result of Mr Frost
I'm also pleased that we have a working demonstration of 'online' workshops!

Part of the idea of posting it raw was a response to Sophies question on first draught posting etc.

The lines which were removed in this one is an example of that, I must confess I thought the poem was a little weak at first and was struggling to shape it as I let go of anger previousley used to shape the more ranting poems I do.

My friend had made a potent comment about bitterness and I wanted to clear my mind and access the childhood innocence instead of ranting about tescos alll the time. Bitterness can show on our faces and it looks ugly, sometimes I see it in my face muscles and have to re shape myself in the mirror.

We did not have bitterness as much as kids as the world was wide and wonderful (still is|!)


Im so happy that you have seen the poem the way I felt it, the childhood aspect.

please sophie feel free to tear my work up and if you say genius we are wide open to attack ya know!

-

so here is Mr Frost finished and complete thanks to Darren and Sophie for the help.

Peter



a quiz for you-

what connection is there between Bitterness and Mr Frost

AND:

should that connection be put in the poem???

answers an A DAFTIE postcard please.

ps where has everyone been??