Biography
Finally taking a step forward on my yellow brick road Slipping off the wool, and drifting away from the herd Accepting my true nature The time for me to accept the goat I've always been This is the first rock I've jumped on to, without the mask This time, simply As my true self
BEING CONTENT
Have you ever felt like you don’t ’t have a purpose or place in this world? You’ve never fit in to any group and could never be labelled as a specific thing or person. I know some would say that’s a luxury but to actually feel like you don’t belong and don’t fit in with anyone, isn’t what I would describe as a luxury. I never met anyone like me and I know most people would say that but I honestly can’t think of anyone who is even remotely like me. That would make me unique? I guess but it’d be nice to find someone who thinks, acts and does similar to you instead of being polar opposite to everyone and anyone you meet. I'm not saying I don’t get along with people because usually I'm an easy-going person that can get along with the most “nerdy” or, as I would say intellectually talented and hardworking person. Or I can get along with the “popular” crowd who are just extremely outgoing, humorous people who work hard to or just naturally stand out. See I can get along with both ends of the spectrum but I don’t feel like I sit anywhere on that spectrum. I'm not outgoing but not shy either. I’m awkward with certain people for as long as I know them or I'm awkward for the first thirty seconds and then instantly find comfort and confidence. I'm neither dumb nor smart. I care about being successful and making it somewhere in this difficult and challenging world but I have to work for it. I unfortunately wasn’t blessed with a genius mind but eventually after a bit of study and dedication I’ll catch on and even get a good grade or two. I’ve always been a hard worker and that’s one of the only things I can be sure of. I hate failure and I have always tried my whole life to be perfect, which is one of my main downfalls. Anything I’ve ever done I gave my 100%, from the dancer I was from 7 to 11, to the netballer from 11 to 13 to the McDonalds employee from 14 to current. Usually I get pretty good at what I dedicate myself to and that’s one thing I appreciate. Although I work hard and have goals that only hard work will get me, I do have another side of me that separates me from the “nerd” crowd. I looove to party, dance and generally just have fun, which normally complicates and leads to me in trouble. Being out, dancing, drinking being under the influence of a good time makes me feel alive. There’s nothing or no one that has been able to change that about me. One of the last things that help to describe me as a person is my undying and uncontrollable love and obsession for men. From the moment I knew the difference between male and female and I think that was age four or five, I’ve been boy crazy. Throughout my whole life I’ve always had a crush or have had an unhealthy fixation on a boy. To prove that point I can tell you that the only reason I started writing and have continued to write over five hundred words is to keep my mind off boys and not even just one… They constantly fill my mind even when I sleep and most the time I can’t even tell you what I generally like or makes me attracted to these boys. Most my life I was either ignored or played like the doll I allowed myself to be. After being treated horribly over and over again I eventually spoke my own mind and vowed to stay away from the male population. Best believe that has been extremely difficult. I wish there was just a switch in brain that would get me to stop all these thoughts and feelings towards these undeserving boys. It’s been three months since I made that vow to myself and since then I’ve realised my worth majorly. I don’t talk to anyone who treats me any less than what I am but that doesn’t stop me from craving someone who will, which is why I'm writing. I don’t know how to be alone or just be content with being alone and truthfully that’s the only thing I want to feel. But how is the question I'm continuously asking myself. ... 5 long and disastrous months have passed since I first wrote those 740 words above. Its crazy to believe that I still emphasise and relate to the words I wrote 152 days ago. It also amazes me that my reason for writing then is my exact same reason for writing now. Sitting in silence, watching my phone for a notification that will never come or at least never be what I hope it would be. Id hope that in 5 months I would grow or at least my thoughts would mature even in the slightest, but apparently not. I'm still the same naïve, shallow and lost girl I’ve been my entire life. I wonder if we ever grow out of that? Or whether this is who we are destined to be regardless if we are 17 or 70. If you could be anyone, any personality type what would you decide to be? I know, how ridiculous to imagine or even think about something that isn’t remotely possible but for me, right now it’s better than thinking about the reality I have. I don’t think I would care what profession I'm in, what I look like or who my family was. I think if I could change anything it would be my personality and how I perceive myself. I would still chose to be the same empathetic and caring girl I am now, however I would maybe change how sensitive I am and my tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t believe it’s a bad thing, I just think I would be a lot less hurt if I wasn’t so emotionally sensitive to people and situations. I would raise my confidence at least 100 levels and use my voice, you know how depressing it is to have this outspoken mind and thoughts but have the confidence of the lion from wizard of oz. Countless times I’ve prayed to myself to put my hand up in class, stand up for that person and most importantly stand up for myself. Unfortunately though I'm weak and at loss with my voice, I hope one day that will change. Other things I would change is my clinginess and by tendency to become attached as quick as you can say the word. I wish rather than being attached to people mostly men that treat me like I'm nothing. I could get attached to eating healthy, meditating, exercising or even just myself. I think that’s the best quality anyone can possibly have, to have the ability and consistency to always have a strong admiration and love for yourself. The world is a hard and scary place that you, me and the 7 other billion people that live on planet earth endure everyday. That in itself is a huge accomplishment to me and should be rewarded with our own self-love and self-worthiness. The biggest and most frustrating quality of myself that I would do anything to change, something that has already been mentioned multiple times throughout this document. My never dying endless loves for the male population more specifically the assholes of the male population. I don’t understand how a person can get treated like they’re nothing but gum on a shoe by a person and yet constantly think and imagine impossible scenarios about that exact same person. Only a lunatic would and unfortunately I am that lunatic. I’ve been kicked in the stomach by a boy and regardless of all the breath he kicked out of me I still managed to save the last breath I had in that moment gushing over him, like he even remotely cared about me. Deluding myself in to thinking any of these men cared about me purely because he looked at me, spoke to me at 2 in the morning or kept a snapchat streak. If I could change, I would be an independent woman that truly didn’t need nor cared about having a man. When a man worthy of my love and trust finally come along, then and only then would I give him all of my love and me. That’s the type of person I wish I could be, hopefully one day I might become that person. I wonder if in another 5 months if ill be anywhere close to my ideal self. ... Hi, its been 6 months since I last wrote in this “being content” document, wow have things changed. By things I’m referring to my thought process, or more specifically to not use my thought process so much. The last 6 months I’ve spiritually awakened to the reality that is true love and pure joy, which I’ve finally found within myself. I think the first problem with the contents of this document is the fact that it is based off the belief that you have to fit in a category. We were designed to be unique, we were programmed to have differences, I could speak for another thousand words how our diversity is what makes us special. I could never see the beauty in myself because I was too stuck in thinking a man had to see my light for me as a human to be deemed worthy of love. Now, I don’t seek outwards for love I seek inwards and that is the truest love I’ve ever felt, one that cant be taken away. Words are my light, words are what make me unique and my truth is what makes me stand out. I’ve been blessed with this life and this ability for one reason, to speak my truth. No its not fact but who is to really say what is factual? This platform, this safe haven, this is how we can all spread our individual light and lead others in the direction of our true perfectly carved road.
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