(Warning: the audio is unexpurgated)

It’s been a source of some regret that I had missed my chance

To be a superhero with my kecks inside my pants.

I wanted to be Batman and to fight the city’s crime

I’d get hold of The Piddler and I’d make him serve his time.

Or whizz around like Superman, on guard by day and night

Looking out for phone boxes in case my pants got tight.

I’d crush the hardest granite and give sight back to the blind,

My role – to save the planet and the fate of humankind.

Yes, I truly thought this chance had gone as passed my youth has rolled

For now they call me “knocking on” – that’s code for getting old.

But, blow me down, for now I have this opportunity

To lie upon the sofa while at home and watch TV.

It doesn’t seem a tricky task, as in my onesy curled

I surf the Freeview channels in my quest to save the world.

So take a lead from Coopeyman, who doesn’t outdoors roam –

Be a superhero and JUST F*****G STAY AT HOME.