(as seen by an untutored infidel)

Wine tasters, aficionados and critics wax ecstatic
over the wonderful essence of wines, 
comparing and contrasting with fine distinctions,  
discussing the terroir needed for each variety of grape,
best sources and vineyards, 
best vintage years for each wine and region,  
best methods and sequence of storage,  
best temperatures and timing of serving, 
best goblet or flute for each.  
(There’s lots to know about what flavors alcohol!)

There is a ritual of serving: an unctuous sommelier 
[Gracious, don’t call him a waiter!] 
holds the bottle just so to show the assumed host the label. 
The host nods with a smile. The sommelier 
uncorks the bottle and pours out a smidgen 
for the host to taste, slosh in his mouth and swallow, 
gazing to nowhere as he savors the aftertaste  
after smelling the cork with a knowing nod and a smile. 
[as if he knew one wine from another], 
Finally the waiter [‘scuse me, sommelier] 
pours each person a half glass, 
some extra for the host, hoping for a big tip.  
He leaves the bottle on the table for the guests to fight over.

The ceremony and price 
|are what make a wine valuable. 
[ostentation and obsequious presentation are half of the value; 
the other half is the inflated price of the restaurant and the wine.]

Guests praise the wisdom of the host. 
Some check the label to find what they are supposed to taste. 

Real authors write fiction about other things.
Vintners write imaginative descriptions, 
like these from labels of wines I drink:
 “touch of grapefruit, melon and berries.”  “lingering aftertaste.”  
“Hint of tropical fruit,”  “earth tones and oak.” 
“fresh and crisp with the fragrance and flavor of pears”  

The longer the description, the costlier the wine:  
(White) “Compelling aromas of tart green apples, fresh cut straw and crisp tropical flavors”
(Red) “Flavors of black cherry and ripe berries compliment (sic) mocha and brown spice notes, finishing with a generous supple texture.”

Fancy names and famous chateaux are the fashion in some quarters. 
They had to invent rationale for all the fuss and high prices, 
to justify the expense and impress the unwashed, like me.  
Now some vintners choose derogatory or offensive names: 
Barefoot, Angry Housewives, Old Fart, Old Fart’s Wife. 

Many books have been written by countless authorities 
about the arcane mysteries of wines.  
Some advise the obvious: 
drink what you like. 
If you like it, it’s good wine.

January, 2013