Happiness was you. Happiness was us. Happiness was us and a cat. Now it’s just a cat. Not even our memories are happiness, tainted by the reality of which I’m living. Every trip down memory lane is a reminder that it’s just me and our beautiful boy. No memory looks the same as it was. Every laugh, every tear, every whisper, every hand that connected, every time you said I love you, means nothing now. Happiness was a cuddle, happiness was your snigger, happiness was every time we shared a dinner. A distant connection turned infinite affection, now not a shadow or a mirror for reflection. 

Pain. Pain doesn’t do this feeling justice. Pain is what you have when you cut yourself, pain is when a bone breaks, pain is a burn, pain is a graze, pain is a bite. Pain is freezing temperatures with no mittens. This isn’t pain. This is turmoil. This is an icicle directly to my core. More than my heart. This is a death. A death of an ego. A death of a version of me that will rest in peace though.
That grave will never be seen. That tombstone reads, Pete, a boy that made mistakes. A boy who didn’t listen. A boy that let you down. A boy who was difficult. I won’t be putting a rose down for that boy. From the death of that boy, a fire was formed, a cremation was had. Born from this burning boy is a MAN! A ‘new man’. A man who will never make the same mistake twice. A man born with emotions, born with feelings. Finally, a man born with a reason. A reason to never hurt again. A man to bring meaning to the reason. That reason; Happiness. Happiness in himself. Happiness to the people around him. A Happiness that will no longer haunt me like your ghost does. A happiness found in pain. A happiness found in the depths of that ice cold broken heart. With every piece sewn back together. A heart stronger than ever before. This heart will burn again, desire will appear in the midst of this flame. A new heart, a new happiness, a love for the simple things, a love for myself again.

Happiness. Happiness will be me. Happiness will be me without you. Happiness will be me and a cat. Happiness is me in love. Love will be my happiness.