The Grimstone Vampire

 

Granny’s Slugshaw was sat watchin’ t’telly

When something rattled her windowpane

She thought.. What the chuff is all that noise

It wasn’t forecasted to rain

 

So she got up and pulled her curtains back

And saw Vlad… just hanging there

Upside-down.. by his feet… like a bat

With his cloak, and his raven-black hair

 

“You soft bloody chuff” said Granny

“Tha gi’ me a reht bloody fright”

“What’s tha doin’,  hangin’ about out there”

“At this chuffin’ time of the night”

 

But Vlad just hung there, upside down

With his enigmatic grin

Hoping for an invite

Would Granny let him in?

 

Y’ see Vlad was that old type of vampire

Who followed traditional ways

He needed consent from his victims

To invite him in to liaise

 

Granny had a soft spot for handsome young lads

This “young lad” was five centuries old

She said “tha can’t hang about out there all night”

“Come in, and get out of the cold”

 

So she invited Vlad into her home

And she said to the handsome vampire

“Tek thi coat off… else tha’ll not feel t’benefit”

“And warm thisen up bi the fire”

 

Vlad took his position, in front of the fire

With his feet on the hearthside rug

He undid one button, and opened his cloak

To let Granny in for a hug

 

Vlad wrapped her up in his silky cloak

He held her as tight as he could

Then sank his teeth into her neck

And did drinketh of her blood

 

But Granny’s blood was three quarters gin

As he guzzled it down he hissed

“I haven’t had a drink for four hundred years”

Then he fell to the floor fully pissed

 

He laid out on the floor in a comatose state

And was still there by daybreak next day

When the sun blasted in through the window

And melted the vampire away