I’ve planted spuds; I’ve planted peas;

I’ve scrabbled round on hands and knees;

I’ve sprayed against a plague of bugs

But seen them eaten up by slugs;

The seeds had cost me seven quid

Which from the wife I kept well hid;

I’ve had to chuck them in the bin

(At Tesco’s they’re ten pence a tin!)

 

In light of this my bets I’ve hedged

And gave up cultivating veg;

I sent for plug plants by mail order

To brighten up herbaceous borders;

Phlox and stocks and columbine

Phormiums and cordyline.

 

I fed the soil and tilled the land

Then left them to God’s gentle hands;

He gave them sun; he gave them rain –

I’m at a loss – I can’t explain,

It made no difference what he tried

These fuckers too just upped and died.

 

He gave to me this gift instead-

A dandelion and nettle bed.