I can remember you giving me your time, mind, body, and heart; and, when things were good, things were really good. We used to talk about anything until the sun came up--laughing, joking, and having heart-to-heart talks about the future and life. But, after a short time, you started noticing a change in my attitude toward you and the way I treated you. I became disconnected and distant. You would sit back and ask yourself time and time again what you were doing wrong. Nothing. Everything I ever needed: a friend, a lover, or an ear to listen, you fulfilled.

Let's stop dancing around the truth. You are hurt. You are broken. You cry yourself to sleep, and you hate yourself, all because of me.

I would say that I am sorry, but I have said it so many times, it sounds disrespectful and strange, so I won't.

I think of you. I just don't know what to say right now.

I do miss you. I just can't admit it right now. 

I need you. I just can't show you right now.

I love you. I just don't know what that word means right now.

I f****d up, and I should be ashamed of the choices I have made, right now.

Please do not put the blame on yourself. Do not hate yourself for giving me your heart; hate me for being careless with it.

I am man enough to admit now, that you gave me two years too many because everything about my love was one-sided. But, what I wasn't man enough to say to you was that you were wasting your time.

My advice to you is to please let go of the idea of us. Please let go of the idea of me.

I am not s**t. I am not right for you, so why do you continue to hold onto us? Every time you look back because you don't want us to end; while you are looking, I smear the lens. 

I say again, I am not s**t. I am not right for you, so why are you continuing to destroy what's left of you by constantly trying to save the part of me that doesn't want to be repaired?

You have had your concerns about this relationship for quite some time, but I made you feel that everything is ok. Physically, I smile, but emotionally, I'm done. Mentally, I'm drained. Spiritually, within our relationship, I've been dead.

Me telling you I cared for another woman, broke your heart deeper than I could realize, destroying your outlook on love. Shattering your heart, and crumbling your self-esteem into infinitesimally small pieces. 

It's been torturing your mind and damaging your soul and emotions. You are starting to pace back and forth now. Your face is slowly changing expressions. Your speech and hands are starting to shake, while you are yelling out to me...

"WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!"

It's not that you aren't good enough, because you are. It's just me. I kept you around until I was ready to move on. 

I am selfish. I am not s**t because my choices and actions weren't s**t. 

I didn't love you, because you don't destroy the people you love. I just didn't want to be alone.

Looking back on our relationship, ask yourself if love was worth a broken heart.

I know, it's a shame how I thought as a child, treating your love like it was a toy that didn't need unconditional commitment or loyalty.

You got old, and I threw your love away, thinking the "next you" would be better and more exciting without realizing that you weren't broken or old. It was the way I started looking at you that got old. 

I said sorry so many times that it sounded disrespectful and strange, so I won't say it again because sometimes, it's better to live, learn, and just change.

But, I want you to know that I heard your cries, I just wasn't man enough then to care. I heard your teardrops hitting the floor before I even knew you were crying.

Now, they will be forever engraved in my memories, until my tears one day drop beside yours, because, I have learned that no tears at all are the hardest memory to wipe away.

I wasn't wise enough to notice you were crying over me, until I realized, I was slipping in your tears.

One thing is for certain: Every man and woman was put on this Earth to love and cry, but finding the man or woman who will truly listen and is worth your loving tears is the hardest part.

The irony of it all is, I always knew I'd look back on the times I cried and laugh, but I never thought I'd ever look back on the times I made you cry, and continue to wade in the uncertainty, without answer.

Words of wisdom: There isn't anything wrong with a man or woman crying, but there IS something truly wrong when their tears are being ignored.

 

(For those of you who took the time to stop and read this piece, thank you. And, this piece was as me, speaking as "him" to me.)