i offered him the hug 

but when asked about a kiss

i burst into uncomfortable tears.

i offered him the cigarette 

and when he refused 

my insides curdled. 

because he was kind, and he laughed, and he didnt listen 

but he laughed. 

he laughed so itd be okay.

and he asked me to see a film and he paid 

and he asked me to do it again. 

me, being asked to go again. 

so i feel the fustrating bile rise in my throat. 

when i realise he feels as personable as a friend.

just a kind, interested friend.

i cant imagine anyone more than a friend.

i dont know if its within me to care so deeply, 

i feel deep. i am deep.

complex and abyss-like.

but does my waining heart extend its vertebrae in ways i cant control.

im not sure,

there is one i can picture.

i can picture us being happy.

maybe laughing.

he is soft spoken and mature. 

i need older, older and caring. 

steady. 

i think