the new year rolls in and ive learned so much and so little all at once. 

so much about myself, and so little of how to deal with it.

i know now that i can be kissed, and liked, and loved.

but now it hurts all the more that im not.

knowing i have the capacity for it, and not recieving it, 

having it hang out of reach. kills me, it kills.

i know when to stop, and how long to stop for. 

i control myself easier, 

but im malliable and pliable and i let others mould me.

where i used to rage, my defiance and my passion leading me to a hill and laying me to rest upon it.

i now sink.

into my thoughts, into my films, into my inner world. 

i never used to be a daydreamer, i was always a fidgety rousy child.

while i find myself easier to love, i also find myself softer. 

i wish i was still hard, i never wanted to lose my difficultness.

i wish i had stayed stubborn.