She was a ruddy-faced nun, banished to a convent to cure her habit of singing cheeky songs,
where she met Sister Superiorer McPeake, who saw in her a talent for musical theatre,
and turned a blind eye so the novice could sneak out at night to star in the Rocky Horror Show.

But one night, sobbing in the street, because she’d realised that
Christ was her only true love, she gazed at the stars and said,
‘Please protect my sisters, who have gone to the war-torn Congo.
‘I will join them soon, after I take my final bow.

‘But I will have to tell my suitor, that Strictly Come Dancing star Sam Shufflesong, 
that I can’t be his bride, and I know he’ll be furious.’

But not long after, lying in a hospital in a Congolese jungle near death,
she was alarmed to hear theatrical voices trumpet,

​​​​'We’ll have nun of that lying in bed, so get up and sing, 
you know it’s good for your health, and besides, we need a lead in our chorus.’

The next day the holy woman was entertaining village children, 
who just loved her choice of rock n’ roll,
that she’d learned on that rocking horror musical extravaganza,
The Rocky Horror Show, when a man jumped out of a thicket,
who looked just like the Son Of God, crying ‘Follow me!’
and they escaped the rebel army, soon reaching a deep river.

There were a few who couldn’t swim, saying ‘Help me Lord,’
but were suddenly felt imbued with aquatic ability.

Reaching safety, they waved at the soldiers they’d escaped from, who, 
when they saw a figure rise out of the water holding a cross, 
put down their guns and refused to follow their captain, 
pleading – at the risk of a firing squad – ‘Sir, we were reared to follow the Christian God, 
and this miraculous event has made us mighty curious.’

 Then everyone stared in awe, when the singing nun shouted,
‘It’s that much maligned uncool fellow called Jesus.’