I wash my hair in washing-up liquid, it saves the pennies while making it curl.
I thought it would make me look the part, as a roadie with a band called Everything But The Girl.

I’d joined after I was kicked out from my teaching post at Mulchester Marton public school,
after broadcasting radical views over the school radio.

I was vilified by the PC brigade and called an ‘old fart’, after mentioning Billy Bunter,
every kid’s favourite fictional doughnut-crunching hero.

I loved those stories and had a schoolmate just like Billy did, an Indian lad,
whom I’d nicknamed ‘Hurree Ramjet Singh’, after Billy’s brown-skinned classmate.

We played music together and our single I’m Fat And He’s Nearly Black,
was a hit on Radio Caroline.

Apparently it was inspired by Hurree being lambasted by the insult beginning with P.

‘Dammit,’ he said, ‘I’m not even from Pakistan.’

So, he went off to Ireland and played with harpist Sorcha McFee,
who’d caused controversy by declaring her love for a Gypsy woman.

I mentioned this tale when I was interviewed by Melody Maker,
laughing how my musical career ended when I realised I couldn’t sing.

The young journalist gave me a funny look, because tales of Billy Bunter
and Irish folkies were not what she considered ‘cool’, even if they did contain
an ethnic lad called Hurree Ramjet Singh.

I was by then seen as the ‘man in the know’ when talking about 1980s bands,
having written a biopic about my time with a band that rhymes with swirl.

So, the interviewer was flummoxed when I expressed annoyance at her attitude.

The resulting furore, which went all over a new phenomenon called social media,
set me on a path to celebrity status, after I’d been asked to advertise Vosene,
based on my nomenclature.

Is that the right word?

Look at the bottom of the page, to check my moniker.

However, I discovered to my shock it’s a real product and I am now negotiating
to avoid legal action from a maker of shampoo.

Alternatively, I will team up with my old pal Hurree, who’s returned from Erin’s isle,
having made a fortune with Miss Breen and their song, We Don’t fit In, Aren’t We Cool?

So, sorry to cut this short, but I’m due in court after a maker of hair products has threatened to sue.

Their sales have dropped alarmingly, people preferring to use what makes their dishes sparkle,
and I will plead, 'This all started when I used washing-up liquid to make my hair curl’.