I’m trying to remember the moments I truly felt alive,

Like the time I ran in the rain, or when I got my first 'A’,

I’m trying to conjure up the feeling I had when I was on the sunroof of my friend’s car. We were going down the hill, and I was yelling, ‘GO FASTER!’, and he did.

I’m trying to replicate the love I had for myself when I moved to another country for 46 days,

And it was beautiful, and I was beautiful,

And I was smart, and strong, and kind, and lovely,

The version of me that I always wanted to be;

I was present.

 

But I cant.

I can’t remember how beautiful the lake was that evening as I read my book,

God, how I want to feel the thrill of being on the fastest roller coaster again, even though I was a bit shook.

I can’t remember how beautiful the birds were the first time I went birdwatching,

And I can’t remember enjoying their song...

I can’t remember their song.

I can’t remember how beautiful and smart and kind I was,

I’m having a bad day and I feel dumb and ungrateful,

I feel ugly both inside and out, and I can’t remember how lovely I was.

I’m having a really bad day, and I can’t remember how alive I once was.