I wonder if you look for us

In the way the sun beams down on any given day.

or when you look in the mirror.

 

Do we ever linger in your mind

As the sound of laughter is heard from little kids playing?

 

When someone says your name, 

do you turn to look for us?

When our birthday comes around,

do you debate reaching out?

Do you keep track of how old we are as time goes by?

 

Do you ever see flowers,

and think about picking them for us?

Or do you ever find little trinkets here and there

that you think we would like?

Do you ever find baby bats, or little creatures to show us?

Do you ever find wild fruits and bring them home for us to try?

...But realize we aren't there?

 

Do you ever regret not giving your first son

the father he deserved in his life?

 

Do you wish you could hear our voices again?

Could we have a nice chat about our day? 

Maybe we should go to the springs soon.

Or maybe even a hike two weeks from now.

Did you hear about that festival down the road? 

 

When you go working out, do you ever wish we could accompany you?

Do you ever think about having dinner together?

 

Or do you ever crave my peanut butter cookies I would make after school?

You seemed to always like them when you got home from work.

 

Do you miss having someone to talk to about your problems? 

Do you miss holding my hand as we went on a drive? 

Maybe on the way to a thrift store or a nice place to sit and eat.

 

Do you miss going on runs together down trails?

You taught me how to keep my pace.

Breathe in twice, breathe out twice, repeat. Be consistent.

 

When you're working on projects, 

do you ever wish you could have an assistant or two?

 

I felt a sense of comfort when you would call me lady.

And ladies only paint their nails pink and have long hair.

Do you miss having me around to do your laundry and make your meals?

 

Do you look back on our old photos?

Did you get a glimpse of our faces?

Are you drenched with regret?

But overwhelmed with the longing to feel our presence once more?

 

It's silly of me to miss your chuckle.

But the way it felt to make you laugh was reassuring...

That maybe evil wasn't all that consumed you.

But your eyes said otherwise.

 

Life with you was charming,

yet so dangerously hurtful.

 

The way I miss you 

will forever be a burning pain...

an insufferable torture that I will live my life enduring...

My heart will ache for eternity.

 

I see you in myself.

And I am not sure whether to be ashamed, or to be okay with who I am.

Like father, like daughter I suppose.