From,

The eternally sleep-hunger-bliss-deprived, cynical, semi-anti-social, semi-baby-friendly, introverted, athiestic-theist, who's presently living off the bouts of self-motivation, quoted motivation or any other kind of seemingly venerable, yet manipulating, brainwashing motivation, all of which with a half-life of minutes to hours- just enough to kick-start into a short-drive of unnecessary, enthusiatic, far-fetched goal-building.

To,

The Greatest Lord of the universe, You, who knows the ultimate purpose of every speck of life, including mine; yet, not disclosing it; oh yes, maybe You left it to be found by me or I've already shaken hands with it and too dumb to notice it; You, with a ubiquitous presence, and yet, I miss Your gentle pat during the roughest times; maybe that pain is mandatory; and You, who holds the impartial grace over all; maybe all this is that customised karmic journey of mine, not the hate from the above.

Respected SIR/ MADAM,

Subject: Regarding my stance on the grounds of belief

The reckless talk above is not a tiny bit sarcastic, just few overshooting paras of an attention-deprived child. It started with few good times, some decisions, the repercussions, the stagnant bad times and beginning of the belief. The Belief. I was purely an atheist. I was my own force, my entire investment of trust, my sun, my moon and my stars. Might come off a bit narcissistic, but I was that way. Never mocked God or people of God. The infinite energy reserve within me, never needed a blessing hand. Working my ass-off, getting paid for the efforts, living off my money and the occasional good deeds. Then, came the voyage and the iceberg. I needed that blessing hand. I prayed without questioning. Some things worked out. Many floated through. All was fine, but then I started questioning.

Is it superficial to start off belief in that way? If bad and good happenings are the footprints of karma, what role does our almighty possess? What is the formula of karma? Why karma of previous birth is allowed to be a bitch in this life, when the contemporary one is already beating the hell out of us? And this former one can be allowed to act, even if there is no learning of not doing the already forgotten deed? Can we pray filtering out the superstitions? How much of it is superstition, is there like a thin line? Should belief be in bouts or a constant plateau-remembering? Are the stories of God, the effects of snowballing of ancestral human words? How much of it, is a story? Does doubting ruin the bond or can the doubts be counted as steps of a maturing belief? Is expressing anger of an unmoving situation, towards God, when we're already prefixed with idea of lesson-learning from His teaching or it being a karmic echo; is that anger wrong? How much should we pay by killing an ant, like if everyone's equal, then aren't we all murderers, none gets to see the heaven? How much mindful should we be, like can we overlook some deeds? If being human is this complicated, can I be an alien? Haha.

That was a phase for me. I tried to think it in every possible way, ask every possible question, to get a clearer mind. Did I find answers? I guess not. Regardless, I came to a stern conclusion. Whatever pulls you through your toughest times, stick to it. Your mind or The God. 'The belief' can be either and both too. Well, the 'sticking by' part is the most important. Simplify and kill the silliest doubts. The valid ones will be answered slowly. And karma. Leave it be. Works in mysterious ways. Just don't use its name, to mock your enemies' fall. Next time, You'll receive a better, a more mature and well, maybe a shorter letter, God, though it might keep ricocheting back?

Yours sincerely,

A novice believer?