Did I hit my head or have a fall?

Did my heart give out?

Am I under the stars?

Did I make it to heaven?

The memories I have are as strong as an over perked cup of coffee

I can’t forget or let them go

In fear that I’ll feel I’ll have never lived those moments to remember

I try to recreate those memories

I try to relive every moment

But each time I do

I realize it’s not possible without you

I’ve been coping by hallucinating your presence

Because there’s comfort in knowing that you’re still here

Even if I’m the only one that sees, feels, and hears you

It’s what my heart wants and what my mind needs

I wish fears were disposable

I’d throw away and burn to the ground

The thought of losing you

I would make you immortal

I wish the reality was

The flip side of this living nightmare

My ideal reality would be for you

To be here and thriving

I hate everything and I hate everyone

My bitterness is a cry for help

I can’t help but to think that the world is against me

Because why the f*** are you not here?

Even though God took you

With open arms and a warm embrace

I’m dancing with the devil

Because Satan won and destroyed the beauty I once had in me

I only lost you once

But I feel like I lose you over and over again

Why this painful repetition?

Because with great love comes great pain

Oh, and those flashbacks?

Brutal. Debilitating.

Because my mind drags me to a place

That will never be the same as it was when you were still here

The depression?

It consumes me

For breakfast, lunch, supper, and snack

It’s greedy

The anxiety and the panic?

Oh, it’s crippling

I’m hysterical

Am I dying now too?

Pain gets in the way of everything now

Because while I’m at war with the demons

I’m constantly bullied by shame and harassed by guilt

If that wasn’t enough - the only ammunition I have are bleeding and wounded bullets

I’m insufferable because of this loss but I’ve found solace

In your shadow, the echoes of your voice, the love you always gave me, and the safety you provided me

Now I’ve barricaded myself in my own mind for fear that I’ll never be able to shield myself the way you once did for me

I’ve lost touch with reality because you’re no longer walking the earth holding my hand and guiding me through

Please daddy, keep me alive and healthy

Because family needs me and I need them too

Give us the courage and strength

To let our hearts continue to beat in this terrifying, unknown world