Why do all the Serbian football players in the
Euros tournament have an itch?

Abrofomitch, Saskovitch… do you get my drift?

Sorry for the repetitive rhymes, but we live in an uncertain,
dangerous world (you see I avoided that obvious one).

But according to BBC Radio Five Live,
discussing the football Euros campaign
goes before Brexit and its pitfalls,
in order of priority on its morning phone-in.

But was that a case of several own goals?

Steve What-do-you-Macallit scored a good one last night,
but did he go for a pint with the fans on the way out?

He probably wanted to, but he’s worth 100 quid a kilo,
the minders know that when he attempts to wield his Biro,
and sign some boy’s autograph.

Does he think about his disappointed face,
when he reclines in a communal bath (do they still have them?),
in the bowels of that new stadium, with no posts to obscure the view?

They don’t make ’em like they used to.

But high above from his Wembley TV gantry,
a bored camera man can just about spot a rigid sentry,
in his bearskin hat, thronged by tourists outside Buckingham Palace.

Now there’s a funny place.

The King’s keeping remarkably quiet, which is unlike him...
Oh, I forgot, there’s an election on.

Anyway, I rang up the BBC to ask that
question posed in the first stanza, tongue-in-cheek,
but all they said was, ‘This is a serious programme.’

Last night, as I and the wife visited a pub to watch the England V Serbia game,
I asked, ‘Are you showing the football?’

She looked surprised, ‘You don’t like soccer!’

The missus is Australian you see,
a country that have several games played with a ball.

There’s the two rugbys, League with it’s tackles
but without its rival, Union’s, line outs and mauls.

Then there’s Aussie Rules, though, ironically,
there’s less of them than in the latter code.

‘True,’ I acquiesced, ‘but it’s good for the economy,
for pub landlords love to hear the tills ring.

‘Anyway, you’re an Aussie and you don’t like rugger,
have I married a fraud?’

Racial stereotypes aside, England have scratched their itch,
but is football coming home​?

I’ll tell you one thing, even if it’s stuck halfway,
due to strikes, wars and humanitarian disasters,
BBC Radio Five Live will still talk about it on their phone-in.