My boyfriend loves me. I know this because he told me so. 

Feelings of inadequacy and that im not worth his aknowledgment.

Constant confirmation into my daily life by him.

 I feel anger, invalidation and Suffocated esteem.

He doesn't believe anything i claim to need.

Tells me I'm a liar and loves me so greatly, he can't put any trust in me.

I understand why, neither can I trust him to love me much more

But I trust him to remind me that I deserve to be treated like a whore.

I worry he will always hang mistakes and faults over my head.

 And I fear the only way for us to learn our lesson in this royal mess I made.

 Is to be okay with loneliness and go our separate ways.

 

 He tells me I'm whining when I say I'm misunderstood. I guess thats only fair, knowing I did all I could.

 He blames me for everything that has gone array in our life.

 Im isolated and alone, so much enough I don't even know if it's none, some or all true. 

All the misfortune, the hurt and sunken pitfalls of scorn. 

Are a result of him ever knowing me. He was right, I am a whore. 

I feel confined in destitution. I feel the walls are closing in, and now I can not breath. 

But I'm not meaning to whine again, see he's right, I do complain. 

I've held high my white flag waving high, to be whisked away. 

But instead I know I destroy all  that's good, by seeking the male gaze. 

And the mistakes I make, continually rubb ed in my face.

And now I see part of why I'm weak, and less than is due to my womanhood.

 By default, my selfish existence. The reason for all the faults. 

I doubt I'll ever move forward alongside him, then again I don't deserve much of anything. 

 My consequence is living this.

I know I commited betrayal and the other things

he cared enough to show me were all acts in sin. 

With true honesty, I don't think he wanted to let go or forgive. 

But then again, How could he, when all he says is true? 

 

 

I don't think he wants to think I'm as smart as I am.

Instead he views me as malicious, paired with  gross vaine. 

He makes fun of me all day from start to the end.

Which highlights his low opinion of my character and all of who ive been. 

After this time, I believe of me all the bad he tells I am.  

Whenever I'm low and bottomed out, bombed or depleted... 

He raises me up on my pedestal where I can do nothing humanly less than. 

Then if I show my faults, he raps and roasts my insecurities. 

 Revealing my vulnerabilities in the shame in which I have.

 He points to me and spits at what he inately hates. 

When I leave his dark comedy with a self inflicted punch lined chin. 

 He calls me a skally wag, whips his dick out and says I'm a whore and dope fiend.

And again I'll admit it,, all he's says is right. It's all me. Let me just have him win. 

I tell him words hurt me, he nods and understands.

Still his vision never sees my empathy, so guilty that he is hurting just as I am.

 At least now he doesn't need to discredit who he is or who he's not anymore. 

Now he has a worthless gf, whos the reason his lifes not enough or up to par.

Now he gets to pat himself on the back, 

selflessly loving a girl who's not

Any more then the girl he says I am. 

Thanks for loving me. 

_____