I'm laying on the operating table

The lights almost blinding me

As I wait for the anaesthetic to kick in

Waiting for the bliss of sleep

 

I realise... 

 

There was no anaesthetic

I begin to panic but my body stays still

As if I'm chained up to the table

As if my brain is denying control

 

I feel each cut the surgeon makes

I feel a warm liquid dripping down my body 

I close my eyes for the stinging pain 

Shooting through my paralysed body

 

 

 

 

 

"My life will be better without these tumors"

I reassure myself

"Just push through, this will be the last surgery" 

I continued 

 

I know all this is a lie 

I know there will be more surgeries

I know the tumours will always be there

I know that i will never have anaesthetics

 

I know all of this because 

I am the surgeon

 

I make the cuts 

I clean the wounds

I cover up all the scars, inside and out

I make sure the tumours go away 

 

-Keegan Van Vuuren