The word and I cannot coexist
I try to say it
I try to say it when it's late and i'm alone
When the only person who can hear me
Is me
But
It sticks in my throat
Turns my mouth to ash
Chokes me until tears stream
And the word is lost in my brain

So
I try to think it
I try to think it when the words fail
When I think that maybe if I can recignize it
Then it can't hurt me
Therapy...
But
The noise in my head is turned up
On top of the word
Drowning it out
Stopping all thought dead in its tracks
Until my mind is just static
Until the emotions are safely tucked away from my wandering head
From wandering hands

So
I try to write the word
I try to write it when I hope my body will take over
But
My fingers freeze over the R
And never get anywhere else
Time stops
And the only thing that matters
Is making sure I'm still breathing
Because just an 
R
Makes my chest clench
Makes my breath hitch
Makes my eyes well
Makes my brain burst
Makes it all stop
Make it all stop
Make it all stop
Stop
Stop
R
Please
Please
Wrong 
Wrong
R
Please
Please
Stop.

Fight 
Flight
Or
and I froze

R
And "the letters that come after that"
Are all I can manage