Dear Mr Musk,

You recently invited me to bullet-point my accomplishments for the past week.

Herewith my most noteworthy achievements.

• On Monday I was late – I'd left my clock upon the shelf; but on the plus side like a grown-up washed and dressed myself

• Tuesday was a better day – I cannot tell a lie; egg and chips for dinner, though I spilled it down my tie

• On Wednesday it was busy – the phone never ceased to ring; so I slammed it in its cradle and I broke the fucking thing

• Mid-morning on the Thursday I had so big a shit that The Guinness Book of Records want to take a look at it

• And everybody knows that Friday's POET'S DAY; that's “PISS OFF EARLY” Elon Musk, “TOMORROW'S SATURDAY”

Your obedient servant,

etc etc etc.