(A piece on the nonsense of self-identification, or pretending as we used to call it when we were kids)

 

I want to be a lady, the prettiest on Earth

And didn't have this handicap, this cock I've had from birth;

It used to be a problem but now that's ceased to be

Cos now I self-identify, (identify) identify (identify)

And simply I now use the pronoun “She”.

 

I'd never been an athlete, famous and renowned

At best I used to finish last but mostly I'd fall down

But now I've solved this problem, I always take first place

I simply self-identify (identify) identify (identify)

As 5 years old and enter the kids' race.

 

And at the swimming gala I could not swim at all

I'd sink like grandma's suet sponge while doing the front crawl

But now my breast stroke's wicked, spectators stand agog

I simply self-identify (identify) identify (identify)

That I'm no longer human I'm a frog.

 

I want my driving licence but I found it such a bind

My doctor told the DVLA I'm completely blind;

But this now is no problem, I speed through traffic lights

I simply self-identify (identify) identify (identify)

That I have 20-20 perfect sight.

 

But trouble in the law courts could put and end to this

My right to be a female has cruelly been dismissed

But I have found a loop-hole – I'll hang on to my bras

I simply self-identify (identify) identify (identify)

This don't apply to me cos I'm from Mars.