SPIDER

 

I have a friendly spider,

Living in my beard,

It's been in there a fortnight,

I hope it stays a year,

It's made itself quite cosy,

To evict it would be mean,

We have a symbiotic relationship,

Which keeps my whiskers clean.

 

Biscuit crumbs, dried gravy,

The occasional bit of snot,

Everything that drops there,

That spider eats the lot.

It doesn't need to spin a web,

Then crouch and wait for flies,

Instead it snuggles in my beard,

Food appears before its eyes.

 

It is only arachnophobiacs,

Who find a reason to object,

(Or sad little pogonophobiacs,

But, what else can you expect?)

The rest of society is overjoyed,

Wherever we wander about,

Cheering crowds line the streets,

And they put the bunting out.

 

Man and spider in harmony,

Gives my whiskers top condition,

I confess myself to be humbled,

In such an exalted position,

Meanwhile the little spider,

Being the shy retiring type,

Shuns its celebrity status,

And is impervious to the hype.

 

So we were more than a little miffed,

When a lump appeared on my chin,

And upon further investigation,

Found a paparazzi climbing in,

Hoping to get some candid shots,

To sell for lots of money,

We sent him packing with his camera,

Shoved where he didn't find funny.

 

Public opinion was in our favour,

Which is no less than we expected,

Spider in the beard is personal choice,

Which has to be respected,

It does not hurt anyone else,

So why should anybody care?

Besides, if I hadn't written this poem,

You would've never known it was there.

 

 Yesterday another turned up,

I soon discovered the reason,

This was a little spider mate,

Come for the breeding season,

Together they ventured from my beard,

Into the hairs on my chest,

And, after a bit of fornication,

There they spun their nest.

 

Soon my body will resound,

To the patter of tiny tiny feet,

Everyone who sees them,

Will think them 'awfully sweet',

They can colonise my armpits,

Or tickle their way across my back,

I will be the envy of the world,

Lively company I will not lack.

 

Heads of state will welcome me,

Hollywood will be on the phone,

Hordes of fans and admirers,

Will never leave me alone,

Their devotions, I'll accept graciously,

Fan mail, I'll answer when I can,

It'll be 'Goodbye Ledger the Poet',

And 'Hello to the Spiderman'.

© Ledger de la Bald 2010