‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
But don’t feel contented instead please beware,
Because soon that old creep Santa Claus will be there.

I know what you’re thinking ‘he’s just a kind old man’
But don’t let him fool you, you know that’s his plan.
Therefore it is only my duty to suggest ways to divert,
The man who is the world’s most famous pervert.

Now don’t be surprised, come on surely a man creeping
around your house watching you while you’re sleeping.
Is at the very least a cause for concern,
no matter how many presents left under the fern.

And you know from the songs just what he’s done
Christ he’s even managed to get it on with your mum!
I saw mummy kissing Santa Claus
So look out for the red suit, the reindeer and sleigh
And don’t let this man ruin your Christmas day!

There’s a million ways to wipe off his smile
Why not fortify your house, home alone style!
at least block your chimney with rolls of barbed wire,
or replace it all together with an electric wall fire.

Why not place in your kitchen a highly trained sniper,
or let loose near the tree a poisonous viper.
Maybe speak to an expert yes one who has mastered,
the ideal way to get rid of the bastard!

So in your house keep a hit man to take out the old sod!
Or else buy a Rottweiler and let him do the job!
or why not instead take your glade motion sensor
filled with poisonous gas to knock out the old lecher!

The really is no end to the ways you can keep,
this creep out your house so you can peacefully sleep.
And only at last when he finally takes flight
Can you bid, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

(Because I'm too excited to sleep because it's snowing!!)