Mistrust

I could be really aggressive, ignorant and downright cowardly! It has been known in the past when my spirits have been low to offend others unwittingly. Often out of frustrations for how I am feeling. The majority of time (if not all), I do not mean the unfeeling comments I sometimes splutter, nonetheless I am to some ‘a prickly character’ to deal with on account of my badgered tongue. Before you run for the baiting I say; ‘no need, I am fully aware of how one can be misinterpreted by brashness’.

            ‘Threatening to Kill!’ That’s why I am here on this ward under a Section 3, imposed on myself by the police and the psychiatric services. I can hear some of you laughing with glee. But not till you have had this life should you wish for any cajoling of the negative. This life has been in the main, quite a life of hell. To most, I am seen in the community;- two arms, two legs, a head and torso. And I look quite fine if I scrub up a little. But, what people do not know, is just how I am suffering inside. I was a soldier who served extensively overseas, including the Gulf Operations of nineteen-ninety, ninety-one. Since that conflict I have suffered all manner of ailments. I have had a heart attack, a migraine stroke which has left my right field of vision in both eyes; blind, my feet are in constant pain, I have deformed scar tissue on my skin from abscesses and boils. My mental health is shot away too, with practically everything diagnosed including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Everything though, is put down to just being unlucky, whereas, the Americans have admitted culpability in the soldiers that have suffered since the Gulf. ‘Yes,’ they said, ‘we are aware our soldiers are suffering, and yes, we do believe there is a particular nasty set of ailments our soldiers are suffering that we can only term at present as, Gulf War Syndrome.’

            Still though, trying to get this point across to the UK Ministry of Defence and they will laugh in your face and give you the telephone number of the local Kentucky Fried Chicken, as they have done in the past. It is so sad, that many of Her Majesties finest find themselves the butt, and target of derision from those in high places who will shout caring to the public while secretly doing their utmost to deny the Veterans the answers they are looking for; so sad. When I joined, like many I had little in the way of self esteem having grown up on a housing estate in North Manchester. We didn’t know of SAS, SBS, Special Duties Squadrons, Pathfinders or indeed Mercenaries. We just wanted to grow a little, see the world and do something positive for our country. Many years later, I find myself in the sad predicament of feeling estranged from the very country I served. It is though, at least a partial recognition for our troops in the forming of the Armed Forces Covenant. Although, it may be too late for the Christmas Island Vets, the Porten Down casualties that fifty years ago were murdered by experiment, or indeed, we Gulf Veterans ourselves.

            Recently, I have had some information pass my way concerning The Gulf and some of the personalities that found themselves amongst those who suffer. For example, Sir Donald Achieson, who was the Health Minister for Northern Ireland, happened to be in Yugoslavia when I briefly worked for UNPROFOR during the civil war. Sir Donald Achieson though, died in twenty-ten. But if you google him, his details are there on Wikipedia. As it happens, he was also responsible for the tracking of infectious diseases, and was himself an epidemiologist. How come this high profile Civil Servant found his way to Yugoslavia when I was there? He was responsible for the tracking of many ailments including HIV and e-coli amongst other ailments. The penny dropped with me, especially after learning of his name when in Yugoslavia by a medic who just happened to turn up a couple of days after I entered the country. Bizarre isn’t it.

            There is so much more I could say about my own experiences. So much put down to coincidence but, whether the experiences would wet your pallet for an inkling of a conspiracy I very much doubt. And that is, because most of us now, if not all, find ourselves the result of an epidemic of sorts, and that epidemic has its label, and that is; Mistrust! So many of us along the way in this country, find ourselves being short changed of facts that would give a clear picture as to why we are all suffering the way we are. Most of us, if not all, stress disgust at how the politics of this country has been sidelined by corporate entities, corruption, and the constant bigoted media who never give the full picture but instead, concentrate on what the latest celebrity is wearing. Just where have ethics and morality gone in this country?

            So here I am, on a ward, where my maleness, masculinity, maturity and confidence are not allowed the freewill to express itself. My liberty is taken by glib comment made out of frustration for how I am suffering. Actually, I haven’t been ringing anyone up to tell them of said impending doom. Neither have I been writing death threats or challenging people in the street. What I have been doing, is going through mental and physical anguish that leads me to express the negative. That’s all, and if we are all to be sectioned for the accusations and threats we make out of frustration, then perhaps we would all be sectioned. Then, the penny drops again, and we all realize now, why Britain is termed by many, as ‘Asylum UK’, or even, UK Rave for the raving individual. I digress there a little. But in all essence, We Served in Faith, and now we find heart break, after heart break, after heart break. Not only for the denial we receive at the hands of the MOD, but also, because of the very ailments we still suffer from after all these years. Many veterans cannot hold down a job when they leave. This in turn leads to breakdown of their families, and before you know it, you have lost the loved ones you care so much for. The Veterans wives try to understand, and often stick with them for as long as they can, but even then, it can be too much, and families become torn apart. All because, the closure of this suffering that may come from the  truth, is denied, and the veteran is left to suffer in silence. It is not Rocket Science Mr Cameron! If the truth is allowed to surface from the most Toxic War in History, then the Veterans will know what they are dealing with. They can then crack on with perhaps, cures, better resources, and remain in the loving family they fight so hard to keep. All it takes, is a little respect for the Veterans that gave so much of themselves for the respect of this country, a Country, where no-one can claim they be a true patriot, while they watch those who defended these lands suffer because of the neglect of the very house they served. Are YOU, really a patriot?

Michael J Waite. 19^th May 2011.