I’ve paddled through the packaging

And looked at all the labels.

With military strategy,

I’ve plugged in all the cables;

And now it’s smiling smugly,

As it sits on the TV:

The shiny, silv’ry set-top box

Is grinning back at me!

It has amazing functions

(Or so the advert said)

Though I really know I shouldn’t

Fall for everything I’ve read.

With its ultra-high definition

It scans for all new channels

And displays them with precision

On its liquid-crystal panels.

I’ve read the short instruction book

On how to set it up;

The longer one’s still on the floor -

I’m summoning up the pluck

To peruse its geeky pages,

Full of trite, scientific terms

In a litany of languages

And esoteric words

From Spanish to Swahili

And stations in-between

And what looks like hieroglyphics

In a hideous shade of green.

This whizz-bang new technology

Is really state-of-the-art

And it makes my faded living room

Begin to look quite smart.

I’m keen to see what things it does;

I’m dying to discover

If, instead of Big Brother watching us,

That we can watch Big Brother!

I’ve triggered all the switches

And twiddled all the knobs;

I’ve wiggled all the widgets

And tried to check the cogs,

But still the thing is leering

And refuses to come on

And now I’ve started peering

To see if the fuse has gone.

I check rainbow-coloured wiring

In spaghetti-like formation;

I’ve read, re-read and read again

To check the information.

But sullenly it simpers

As it sits upon the set

And declines each imprecation

To start: I’m now quite vexed.

I hit it and I thump it;

I try to use a spanner;

I shake it and I tap it;

I’ll resort to that big hammer!

As you have guessed, my patience now

Is wearing very thin:

If it don’t work, I’ll pick it up

And chuck it in the bin!

So now I yell and swear and curse,

(I’m sure my language has been worse)

But now it’s getting very terse,

As you can see, penned in this verse!

So I go and fetch my neighbour,

Who’s quite a clever chap:

He once drove down to Cornwall

And never used a map.

It takes him just one second

To make it come to life.

He spotted it in an instant,

Didn’t have to ask the wife.

And so, in brief conclusion,

I’ve found out, to my chagrin,

That, as with all technology:

It works best if you plug it in!