From the womb I wanted to be a chef

which is why I pretended to wear a plain

skull hat, whites and apron when I was six.

My joy was watching mother in the kitchen

adding sultanas and curry powder

to the stew, burning meat in the oven

to make sure any nasties were dead

and not using sugar, spices or herbs.

By the time my schoolfriends waved

their au revoirs in helium tones

I was ready for my first Michelin Star

but the world distracted me with work.

I needed money so started in a sweet

shop where my job was to confront all

the little children who ate sweets

that had been stolen and not paid for.

I didn't last long – the hours didn't suit

and as soon as I got there I insisted

I take all my clothes off to move easily

like John Coltrane fingering his alto,

cutting and dicing “My Favourite Things”.

The gods look after me and I care for

them by holding a white lighted candle,

wafting astral travel incense, meditating

myself into harmony with the universe

and drinking the offerings of white wine,

cases of magickal beer and cigarettes.

I perform the pagan rituals everyday

and am ready to enter the gateway

to a more perfect and abundant life.