I’m awake
Not un-sleeping
But awake
More awake than ever
Awake to today
Awake to tomorrow
Awake to life
Awake with your voice in my ears
Awake with your smile on my face
Awake with your hair in my fingers
Awake with your fragrance in my mind
Awake with your taste on my lips
Awake with your wonder in my heart
I’m awake
Don’t ever let me sleep
sorry to chip in but i think it's only the first four lines that need a bit of wordplay- the rest of the awake repetition works me.
it lends rhythm and reminds me of prayers or hymns. and then when you say 'i'm awake' at the end i think it adds some humour and warmth- yes you definately are awake :-)
Val and Darren,
I really appreciate the time and thought you have both put into your comments and such comments were exactly what I was asking for. I think I'll try a version without the repetition that you both mention and I will probably also have a go at getting rid of some of the clichés.
So thanks very much, both of you, for your advice. Maybe I'll be back here with a revised version before too long.
Seamus
darren thomas
Wed 15th Oct 2008 15:11
Hi Seamus
For me, there is far too much repetition of the word 'awake'. Although it's being used both as a verb and an adjective in this piece. Maybe, the title of the poem could be 'awake'. That way you may not have to reinforce the underlining theme and let the reader pick between the pieces that you write.
Val suggests using 'your', but I feel that this also is far too much repetition. And I've mentioned this before to somebody else, how about using other pronouns instead of first person accusatives, such as 'he, she, they, her' etc. While this makes it less personal, it shows the you're writing (and thinking) from more than a personal perspective. I would try to avoid that dreaded cliché too. I've lost count of how many 'voices in ears' and 'fingers through hair' I've read.
But yeah, it is different from your usual stuff. That's the whole idea of this forum - to keep trying different styles and imaginative levels of poetry.
I like it Seamus.The beat builds and then slows down.
Just a thought maybe try taking out "Awake with" try -
Awake with your voice in my ears.
your smile on my face
your hair in my fingers
your frangrance on my mind
your taste on my lips
your wonder in my heart.
1`m awake
Don`t ever let me sleep.
Which ever way you chose to write it Seamus its good,
a very evocative poem.
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Jeff Dawson
Sun 19th Oct 2008 10:52
Hi Seamus
I like it, sounds like you're in love lad!!
I can see what Val is saying about dropping the 'awake' on a few lines and of course Darren with his reference to cliches which need a couple of different words.
If I can add something else, I would have said Awake FOR today, tomorrow etc, up to you? cheers Jeff