Sometimes, when you have a quiet moment and sit to ponder your thoughts, the most amazing thing happens. You can remember things that happened so long ago, some good, some not so good. Some thoughts are ones that you least would like to ponder over yet they consume your thoughts like a thick smog in the big city. The familiar sounds you can hear like a sweet humming bird in your ear. I sit and ponder many times a day. Sometimes for about 60 seconds then other times for hours at a time. Today I remember though, today many years ago. Its so clear in my mind like a newly polished windscreen. I don’t know if I want to remember it all though because im a bit scared. Im beginning to get that heavy feeling in my chest again and that thumping in my head. The taste of fear on my lips and I don’t like it. I cant think of anything else though because my life completely changed that day. My tears fell faster than a train and my heart hurt more than any pain I would wish anyone to feel. I cant really describe how my mind worked, even now I find things hard at times. My love for her is so powerful and I keep telling myself somehow like iv got a little me on my shoulder waving a finger, “ she’s ok, she’s on holiday”. We all know that’s bullshit but it helped at the time. It doesn’t anymore though because reality has scampered my thoughts and my fears have been invaded like a computer game being frantically played by a winning teenager. You see when we loose someone we love people say times a great healer, think really they say it because they don’t know what else to say. Fact, time does not heal, time makes things longer. Your love for someone you loose will always hurt a deep pain, making you feel nauseous. I went to the cemetery today, kissed the grave and cried. Another year mum. I love you