Out of sadness came a smile
You then asked me to stay a while
We talked, and laughed, and talked again
Our fingers touched, our hands, and then
It seemed as if we couldn't wait
There was no time to hesitate
For if we let the moment pass
It may well die, like Autumn grass
And fade away to nothingnessA memory........no more.......no less
Hi Andy.
Enjoyed this on the whole - although I thought it could be improved. Some of the grammar seems a little unnatural/forced, such as "You then asked me to stay a while" - a more natural phrasing would be "You asked me if I'd stay a while." These lines and the rhyme - "For if we let the moment pass
It may well die, like Autumn grass" seem shoehorned in. Being a northerner, the rhyme pass/grass is a little harsh on the ear, and somewhat contrived (does grass really die in Autumn?) Having said all this, I liked it, but it could benefit from a small but judicious edit.
Regards,
A.E.
<Deleted User>
Thu 5th Feb 2009 12:29
very nice - read it many times
Hi Andy
A nice even rythm to this piece and a good reading voice. Autumn grass is an unusual and interesting metaphore, keep posting
winston
HI Andy, very nice poem!
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Andy Williamson
Thu 5th Feb 2009 16:29
Hi Anthony. Thanks for your comments.
I actually wrote this particular one 18 years ago. Perhaps the flow would have chosen different words had I been the messenger more recently.
I appreciate the thought you have placed into the construct and grammer. However, I was particularly referring to the wild grasses, like sedge, reeds or rushes, which do die back in Autumn, as opposed to the green stuff on our lawns!! I should probably have been clearer to save confusion.