JERRY SADOWITZ AT THE WEST END CENTRE 10 DECEMBER 2008

There's been a mistake. He's the 15th greatest standup

but I think he's a cunt, a circumcised fucking Scottish cunt,

face like a soggy football, hair like ink stained worms

and a top hat stolen from some twat in Oliver.

I wish this man anal fissures, asthma, bleeding gums,

constipation, fungus covering internal organs, gout,

kidney stones, motor neurone disease and varicose veins

or at least impotence, bedwetting, cramps, hives, insomnia,

gonorrhoea, apoplexy, kidney stones, nose bleeds, piles,

pulled muscles, amputations, nausea and prostate cancer.

But that's not enough. I want the Pied piper to lead him

and all sabre toothed animals to a sealed enclosure

where he will be eaten and the remains shitted out like jism.

Even that's not enough. I want all the cunts who laugh

at his shows to be fucked in the ass by Timmy Mallett.

If none of my wishes are granted at least give him hiccups,

the occasional boil, court orders, gigs in hell and gladly

I'll assist in his “suicide” and cremate his body in my garden.

I want him dead and will prime incendiary devices then

film the explosion of this sad faced, willy waving cunt.

As you may have gathered I don't like this so-called comedian

who's aggressive, crass, tasteless, racist and sexist

and who was number 15 on Channel 4's greatest standups.