Rain as small rivers on the train window
refracts grey light, distorts landscapes
moving backwards towards the origin.
Distance swallowed in cloud,
colours washed until the remains
are indeterminate shapes and sky.
Ah the sky! So bloated and low.
Could I reach, push it back,
reveal hidden horizons?
It is good. I just don't quite like the 'as' in an opening line. Would you even consider:
Small rivers on the train window
rain refracts grey light, distorts landscapes
IMO, the alliteration and musical quality takes on a new breadth. Just a thought.
Well expressed, I can imagine myself there!
<Deleted User> (9882)
Sat 14th Dec 2013 10:44
sweet'n'neat!x
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Andy Ainsworth
Mon 16th Dec 2013 23:41
Thanks, Cynthia. I can see what you mean. I had toyed with:
Rain's small rivers on the train window
refract grey light, distort landscapes
But I like rhythm of the first line you suggested and the alliteration in the second line. Let's give it a try...