One of my favourite opening sentences in all the world is the opening line to Anthony Burgess’ novel Earthly Powers:

“It was the afternoon of my eighty-first birthday, and I was in bed with my catamite when Ali announced that the archbishop had come to see me.”

Being not very well read, I haven’t actually read the book but I am sure it is rather good as the first sentence is stunning and made me laugh a lot. The mashup of decadence, archbishops and surprise is a good one and is particularly lovely because it raises far more questions than it answers. Because it’s been mooshing around the back of my head for years and because I was having a nice hot bath, it inspired my new poem “The Bishop of Bath and Wells.” Actually, to be honest, it only inspired half the poem, which fell out of my head so quickly I had to sproing out of the tub and make a foamy dash for the old iPad. Sorry about the product placement but I am rather enjoying the thing that lets me be even more lazy than I could ever imagine possible.

Anyway, the first bit of the poem was easy but then I couldn’t work out what the story should be, and then I got distracted with something superficial and shameful, probably some puppies on the internet. If you humour me and read the poem,  I think you will be able tell where The Point of Stuckness is. The Point of Stuckness is a pukka poetry term that I just made up and should be immediately recognisable by all True and Chosen Poets. I thought maybe I should have aimed for a Dan Brownesque whelk-related religion/crime saga but I don’t think the world is ready for that.

I’ve always loved the word ‘whelk‘. Also ‘manganese‘. Which words do you love?

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the poem.

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There is a NEW real Bishop of Bath and Wells. Mr the Rt Revd Peter Hancock was appointed in December so even though I am not a religious type I dedicate this poem to him because why indeed not? He has his work cut out over there in sinful Bath ( and Wells. Actually Wells is super fab. I went there last October with my accountant of blood friend Maria. It’s where Simon Pegg filmed his Hot Fuzz. The cathedral has loveliness abounding, the oldest working clock in the world, the most enthusiastic and knowledgeable volunteers in the universe and a very reasonably-priced cafe.)

The Bishop of Bath and Wells

The Bishop of Bath and Wells was reclining

Upon my chaise longue in the parlour.

Naked, apart from his thong, he was dining

On imported whelk from Kampala.

He said to me, “John,” (he was no good at names,)

“There’s this holy tract by St Augustine

That says Belgians are evil,” but ‘ere he could finish

The Pope and four cardinals bust in.

 

“Oi Bish,” said a cardinal, Monseigneur Jacques

Marie Choufleur a.k.a Stan,

“We know what you’re hiding under your tract -

A Madonna and Child by Cezanne.”

However, although this story’s exciting,

I don’t really know where it’s going,

So I think I’d prefer to finish it here.

And be happy with really not knowing.