Note: No profile exists for this entry - most likely it was deleted.
The water trickles from one tap,
blasts from the other; bubbles
build on one side only then
lonely, they meander over
to join the others fusing together
in oily kaleidoscopic clusters.
I lie beneath the clouds and steam
thrusting hands between slick
millions reflecting prickled surfaces
bouncing rainbows off porcelain.
And try to clasp my hands together;
layers repelling vivid auras
bouncing crystal balls between.
Just my opinion, but I think that these issues of punctuation and phrasing should come down to the style and art of the poet. After all, what is not pleasing to one reader may be pleasing to dozens more. We write to please our readers and because something inside us needs to get out. There is plenty of room for bending the rules, and many different sets of rules.
.. google's wrong .. there's no such thing as 'off of' .. that's the USA trying to destroy the English language .. I would've put 'rainbows of porcelain' ..
.. do you mean .. 'bouncing rainbows off porcelain' .. or .. 'bouncing rainbows of porcelain' ... you can't have both ...
This is sumptuous. Some wonderful soundscapes in there and so evocative.
Slightly marred for me though, if you don't mind me saying, in that your punctuation is inconsistent, and you are starting every line with a capital letter. It jars on the eyes.
And did you mean to say steam, rather than stream?
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Laura Taylor
Thu 6th Nov 2014 10:53
Hi Natalie
Sorry about the delay in replying - had a mad weekend last weekend and just catching up now.
You have my sympathies - I have struggled with punctuation since I first started with poetry, and still do sometimes. I actually refused to use full stops for the longest time because I thought they looked ugly :D :D
Weston - thing is, if you're going to use SOME punctuation, then shouldn't you use all of it? It confuses the reader sometimes, although I totally take what you mean. In my latest, I've deliberately fucked about with punctuation. Fickle? Moi? ;)
Anyhoo - I'd put a comma after the first line, and a full stop after the last line, second stanza - for consistency's sake. The rest is perfect. It looks way better without all lines capitalised too (and I used to do that too haha so I'm not being all superior or owt ;) )
Ha - no worries on 'steam' :D
This is now a totally gorgeous poem! :)