Constructive Criticism

 

I’ve been criticised since I were a child

To help me out, I understand

Like when my teacher made it clear

That me chubby Crayola was in the wrong hand

As left, it just ain’t right, my dear

And all the metal rulers slapped on desks

Making tiny slumped shoulders snap to attention

Couldn’t make me understand Roger Red Hat or Billy Blue

My phonics certainly weren’t jolly

And my misspelt scrawl wouldn’t do

I’d never come to owt and it were about time I knew

Standing outside the head teacher’s room

Chastised again for my crocodile tears

To help me out, I understand

Like when, ten years later, I stopped trying

To please teachers who just shook their heads

And slammed exercise books down on desks

Best efforts ringed in angry red

Blazer pockets stuffed with nowt but letdown and DTs

To help me out, I understand

Like when, at sixteen, pristine NI card in hand

I got my first proper job at a bakery

Seventy quid for six day’s slog a week

In ample smock scrubbing floors on me knees

Scraping fat out of tins

Grating fingers along with breezeblocks of cheese

Making up muffins for people with delusions of grandeur

Talking down to me to feel like butty kings

Constantly called the Saturday girl, followed, told what to do

By a boss who beat bakehouse mice with her shoes

To help me out, I understand

To keep me stupid dreams in hand

To keep me head in check and down to size

Since I were a child I’ve been criticised