Delicate Love

 

            Moving day; a time of excitement, worry and letting go. My baby girl has finished college, married the man of her dreams and is beginning a new chapter in her life.  The van left an hour ago and on a whim I went to the attic to make sure she had everything. I glanced around and tucked in the corner the words “china” in girlish writing popped out at me.

            I gingerly picked up the box and carried it downstairs.  The box was misshaped and needed support on the bottom and sides as years in a hot attic had weakened the tape.  As I opened the lid the aroma of old newspapers wafted out and filled the room.  Memories flooded my mind back to a time forty- one years ago.

The Christmas season was in full swing.  Excitement, music and laughter filled the air; the mall was bustling with shoppers. It was mid evening when he walked in.  He was very intent on getting the perfect gifts for those special people on his list.  At this time of the year it is hard to pay attention to those customers you are not helping, but he was different.  You could see the enjoyment he was having in choosing for others, could feel how magical the season would be with him in it.  He was a person you noticed because he was vibrant, full of life and his laughter filled the store.  I was not sure what to think of him; could someone be that happy, generous and caring about so many people? The evening ended and I went home having no clue as to how my life would change. The magic of the season had begun; but it would not find its way to me just yet.

            Tom came in a few more times and I became more intrigued with him after each visit.  Our conversations would be a mixture of philosophy, everyday life, literature, art and music.  As intrigued as I was, I was not sure about him.  Was this a façade or was this the real man? I was curious to find out more. On the day he asked me out to lunch my heart was pounding from anticipation and the unknown.

            When I awoke that morning, the sun was shining and butterflies fluttered away in my stomach.  The ride was as smooth as fine wine; my insides were anything but. Conversation flowed along with the mimosas he poured.  Lunch flew by quickly as we tasted delectable gourmet cuisine and feasted on each other’s words. Afterwards we ended the date with dessert in a high-rise building that made me feel like I was on top of the world, both literally and figuratively.

Tom was unlike anyone I had met.  He had a huge heart, listened to you, was full of life, and extremely generous.  I think that generosity was what made me question him.  In all my experiences, if someone was too good to be true it was because there was a motive behind it. I was wary of what Tom’s motive could be. I wanted this man to be genuine.  Magically, he turned out to be just that.

            Here was a man not afraid to tell his feelings, did not judge, a man you could fall head over heels in love with.  Topics of conversation would be of the future in one minute, and the next about the silliness people do in the world, to what gourmet meal he was working on perfecting next.  This man gave me self-esteem, supported me in decisions, gently pushed at the right times and would convince me that I needed to follow my dream. His energy, exuberance and patience were all I could ever ask for.  

He told me he loved me in the springtime. I am forever grateful that I looked past my doubts and plunged forward into this new beginning.  A love so real that we could accept each other for whom we are.  A love so powerful that he could transport me to places I never imagined with his touch.  So many people search their lives for what we have found and never achieve it. 

They say, “Nothing in life comes free,” and that was true of our love.  Our love came with a price.  Timing is everything and fate, while delivering us to each other, dealt a dirty blow. Tom was sixteen years older than I was. While the age gap was not an obstacle in our love; he felt it would be later on in years. The bigger obstacle was fertility.  I had always wanted to marry and have children; this could not be with Tom. By yet another twist of fate, a doctor’s hand rendered him infertile.  Adoption was not an option and medicine was not advanced to the point it is today.

How could we handle what life had thrown us?  The options were to continue to see one another or walk away from what we have. We decided that what we had was worth it. Years passed and the magic never disappeared; we were soul mates.

While Tom always spoke about how he would be useless as he got old, I never took him seriously.  But, Tom was about to reach an age that deeply affected him.  This vibrant, ambitious, intelligent, charismatic man felt he would no longer be socially alive. He felt that his time to make a difference in the world and accomplish all that he wanted had ended. No amount of talking to him, telling him how much of a difference he made not just in my life, but also in so many others made a dent in the armor he wore.  His friends all tried to talk him out of it, but nothing worked.  It was beyond my comprehension how someone who loved and lived life the way he did could be happy choosing this way of life, but I had to accept his decision.  After all, how many times did he do more than that for me all those years?

Our time together would end July 31st; he told me his first entry on August 1st would be “Today I died.” At first, I tried to disagree with him, but as our time drew to a close, I knew what he meant.  I too, would die that day.

            July 30th - 4:33 pm - “Hi beautiful. I just called to say hello and to tell you I’m thinking of you constantly and missing you. And I was thinking that our song really does reflect much of our relationship because I’ve always felt that I’ve loved you deeply and I’m always thinking of you.  You bring me happiness, chase away the sadness and make all my troubles seem so small. I will love you until the day after I die. Bye beautiful.”

            July 31st - 11:23 pm - One last e-mail, short & sweet. Titled “till then” - “Simply yours forever . . . until we meet under the clock I will keep you in my dreams & in my heart . . .” Ah, the clock, the promise that we made to each other. In our next lifetime, we will meet under the big clock to spend eternity together.

            The sound of my daughter’s text tone breaks my reverie. I glance at her short message, “We’re here”!  I smile and carefully remove the tightly wrapped items.  As I open them I see the delicate china doll all dressed in royal blue satin with chestnut curly hair as soft and beautiful as my daughters serenely looking up at me. I place her softly down to reveal the white china vase that had been her grandmother’s. Many bushels of fresh, white daisies have been artfully arranged by my daughter and placed in this vase.                                                                                                           

            Next I unwrap the bone white sugar and creamer bowls with the floral teapot & saucer she loved using for her nightly tea.  Last but not least, the small picture frames that featured best friends and family gleamed at me. I look out the window at her garden she spent hours in as I gently wash and dry her delicate pieces of history. I grabbed the white basket that held the rose pedals at her wedding and tenderly place the items inside. Placing the basket on the steps so I remember to bring them with me later I know she will relive treasured childhood memories as she takes the basket from me; same as seeing the pieces helped me recapture the past.

            I proceed to my reading chair gathering my chenille blanket around my shoulders, look at the clock and thank Tom. It was our love and experiences that shaped me for the man I would marry and together bring the precious gift of my daughter into this world.  Last week my daughter married her Tom and together they will build a love like her china pieces, delicate yet strong and everlasting.