They made too much brown bread so they had to find a way of getting rid of it.  They told us that brown bread was good for you. A lot better than white bread which they said was now pretty bad stuff. Of course white bread was fine when they were making too much of it. It’s a bit like that shortage of cigarettes they are trying to deal with by telling us all that they are killing us.

The kids are off this week because their brains are getting too big. They’ve told us to keep our kids off and act like parents again for a bit. The trouble is that this gets kids all excited and thinking that we really love them. They’ve told us that too much of this can be bad for the kids. So they’ll have them back soon once the teachers are back off their holidays in Grange Over Sands. ‘Take your kids away to a caravan and stuff them with chocolate’ they say. It’s ok to eat loads of chocolate this week because they’ve made too much of it.

They’ve told us not to drink too much though. Apparently they said that just the smell of alcohol is too much. It makes us want to masturbate in public and throw ourselves in front of Volvos and that’s not something we want to happen.

They can’t work out now who is seeking asylum. So they said that we all are and so no special arrangements need to be made anymore. They said that they’ve lost the address of the asylum anyway. Some others reckon we’re already in the asylum and only a few people know. They’re trying to cover it up because there’s been a lot of abuse and fiddling and stuff in the asylum and it’s fucked up everybody’s head. Then it turns out that they’ve got loads of asylums all over the place. Some are worse than others. The best ones are in Kidderminster and Leeds. Some of them are living in Scotland now because they know something we don’t know.

Gravy granules have got drugs in them apparently. They said that they’re going to declare war on drugs and a war on terror and a war on public spending and a war on crime and a war on greenhouse gasses. That last bit is easy, so they are starting to destroy all the greenhouses in the UK.  This will have a profound effect on the supply of home grown tomatoes. So they’ve told us now that home grown tomatoes are bad for us.

They’ve found out now that cows communicate through farting. They’ve done a study with loads of cows in a field and they’ve been able to recognise small differences in their expulsions. Apparently cows talk all day about having a bad stomach and that they’re just dying for a good shit, oh and that they think eating grass makes them shit more as well and they’re sick of having their tits felt by a machine.  Some think that cows will be taking over soon and that they’re slowly gassing us, which is in contravention of the Geneva Convention I think. The Geneva Convention lets us kill loads of people in really horrible ways without anyone going to prison for it, provided of course that you don’t break the rules.

So now some of them are telling us to leave and others want us to stay in. This is called ‘politics’, telling people to do stuff and getting red in the face and shouting a lot if people don’t want to do ‘it’. They don’t tell us everything of course. Only one person knows everything and they live over a dog-grooming parlour in Cumbernauld. God visits them sometimes and talks about how the world is shit now and how it’s not like it was in the old days.