Once upon a time, I hit upon the idea that most of the UK's political ills could be cured by the judicious application of certain drugs. Or rather, one drug in particular. The first incarnation of this poem took shape in the Blair era, and every few years it gets an update to reflect the political personalities of the moment. This version was written in the run-up to the EU referendum, and scooped the 2016 National Association of Writers' Groups' Comedy Writing prize. Which means I am Officially Funny.

I shall remind my family of this the next time somebody reminds me that when I was little, I used to have to follow up all my attempts at humour with the words "It's a joke. You can laugh now"...

 

Pre Erection Promises 2016

The Prime Minister’s taking Viagra today.
He took part in a clinical trial.
They gave him a bottle of little blue pills
which he pops while he works at amendments and bills.
Now there’s more than just passing political thrills
in his smug Old Etonian smile.

Mr. Osborne is taking Viagra today.
Do you think it might make him more dominant?
His butler brings one with his daily repast
while he studies his grim economic forecasts.
If you’re wondering how long the side effects last,
well, it’s not just his forehead that’s prominent.

Boris Johnson is taking Viagra today.
This isn’t the first time he’s tried it.
He bumbles about like he’s just a bit dizzy,
his old school tie cockeyed, his hair mussed and frizzy,
ejaculates Latin like one in a tizzy –
but fetch any bike and he’ll ride it.

Nigel Farage was sceptical when he first took it
to steel him for June’s referendum.
Now his ardour is rising, and he’s in control
and his massive new organ is ready to roll –
there’s nothing that stiffens a wavering poll
like a rush of blood to the pudendum.

What would happen if Jezza was on it as well?
Would it stop his performance from waning?
Could it give him the clout that he needs with the nation
and give him a virile and firm reputation
to help save Old Labour from moral castration –
this isn’t the time for abstaining.

So let’s all get our Members prescriptions today
for that wonderful pill that is blue.
It could spice up Westminster in all the right places
and put back a smile on those dreary grey faces.
Let’s give the whole country a taste of its graces –
you never know what it could do!

AJH (this version 24th April 2016)