The Endless Day
The endless day
with little thought inside
my tangled, jangled beery mind
turned into another
restless, regretful
endless night
where demons
roamed the shadows of my mind.
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Comments
no despair here, perhaps ennui? Like. Made me smile.
<Deleted User> (6484)
Sun 23rd Aug 2009 16:27
thanks Cynthia
Bernie
This is good, basically sharp and punchy. I think you lost a 'pow factor' by dragging out 'devils and demons'. Pick one and drop the other - maybe 'devils' to fully capitalize on the assonance of the 'e' sound as in 'restless, regretful' and 'endless'. But 'demons' picks up 'beery' from line 3, which is a connective device for cohesion. Just a thought.
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<Deleted User> (6484)
Sun 23rd Aug 2009 23:11
Thanks Beulah