I was not aware how weak I was,

Till I felt your voice,

The reaction I had to you

As my new favorite song.

I had no choice

After you I was going

To bad if where I was headed

Was wrong.

 

How the minute my soul awakened

from a pit so far down

it be considered a ghost,

God need not help me then

for he knew I was long gone

already down on my knee's

deciding my sin has been done

 

Sure I had small fantasies

typing jokes or stories

While smiling back and forth.

The cuteness showing maybe,

ourselves not aware.

We Ignored the actuality

Of what was going on here

 

Yet perhaps expectations

As we searched for each other

had been clear.

And maybe those late nights

The times when we said things

Knowing they were not that innocent

We should of cared.

 

I have heard and seen millions

whom I was able to turn away

still focused to my life

that I faithfully kept safe.

Sure I thought

 "what if's", "why not's", "could of's"

Though I figured I had my time

I 'outa forget the should ofs

I got this family at twenty-nine.

 

Thinking this is how its suppose to be,

this is what I prayed for

my gift to receive.

As the decade passed I realized

Its not always about love and happiness.

That its ok to sometimes be ignored,

un-prioritized

Continuously walked over

by those that love me,

Deep down telling lies

To get by.

 

At night I cry next to his warm body in loneliness

While laying my hand out searching for comfort

he was asleep in his dreams unhurt,

as Id swim in thoughts of hopelessness

Thinking  I deserved this most.

 

I chalked it off as a woman's common mistake,

chances to make it easier

Are not there just for me to take.

I've got lives that matter

who on me they are counting,

I need to toughen up

I'm not really the one drowning.

 

Smiling in front of my tired eyes

Makes my life look lush and easy,

Though in my head I'm contemplating

my sins must be marked high

or the meaning I'm not understanding.

 

As i began to forget what it meant to be happy

My pleading prayers to God felt selfish and guilty.

I've always trusted him and his answers

But time went on so long and got so dark.

I figure he was just too busy at first

Knowing there are more deserving

those that really hurt.

 

My light inside flickered ever so faintly

Noticing lately of having more dreams of

nothing coming to save me.

Thoughts of worthlessness consuming me

Till that night something changed in me.

 

Time slowed I sat sudden

I was not expecting your laugh

Your voice just your chuckle

To reach down so gently

Coax out what I thought

Would stay only broken

 

sitting down

my knees still buckled.

The shell my heart created

Cracked burst and crumbled.

The golden cloud of my soul rose

As the after shock vibrations

you voiced echoed.

 

Sparks gone now turned to torches

My stomach settled now lurching

heartbeat faded now racing

Goosebumps rippled

back of my eyes prickled,

You had seemed so close

My skin tingled

 

Though it’s a scary thought

the problems I'll have to face,

Sad results of choices ill have to make

I don’t want to turn back

Not when my soul spoke

"believe for me, don’t return me"

 

Laughing to break my silence,

Electricity popping before I relaxed

my fingers went to my face

a smile on my lips I nervously traced.

 

"…hi"

My smirk clearly heard.

Knowing quite well something about

this was most likely going to hurt.

 

you gave me the best back

A open mic left for me to listen

to falter in your breath

The throat you were clearing.

A smile I wish I could of seen.

the "hi" you said at last.

My heart was now never going to stop beating this fast.